My Boyfriend’s Bad Attitude

We're going to skip chat today for early holiday. But I am still looking for updates from former letter writers. Please send your update to meregoldstein at Make sure you use or include your original email address so I know it's you. Tell us what happened after the letter.

Hi Meredith,

I have been with my boyfriend for almost two years now. We met in college, and now that I have recently graduated, we have been apartment hunting and looking to move in together.

Here is the problem (well, actually, there are multiple problems): First, he is always on his phone. When we go out to lunch or dinner, he is constantly on his phone. Recently, I wanted to see what would happen if I didn't try to spark up a conversation (would he get the hint to get off his phone?), and we spent the whole lunch not talking to each other. Second, he never asks me questions about my day or how I am or anything. I always ask him how his day is going or questions about his childhood, and he is very short with responses or only answers the question. He never goes the extra step to ask the same questions of me.

Third, he never expresses how he feels about me until he is drunk. I never hear him tell me I look pretty or beautiful. I never get any verbal confirmation about how he feels, just a lot of sarcasm. This is just the surface. This entire moving in process hasn't been as fun as I'd hoped. We were dealing with a really big struggle trying to decide whether to to move to the West Coast or stay in New England due to a job offer I received. At the end of the day, I decided to stay, and I have been made to feel guilty about it since then. As we've been looking at apartments, he hasn't been excited, and his standards are so high for what we choose, it makes me think he isn't even excited to move in with me. Needless to say, I'm confused. I love him so much but I am feeling that this isn't what I deserve. Is there a way to get my old boyfriend back? Is this just a phase? I just don't know what to do or think.

– Help!

Don't move in with this guy. Stop the process now and find your own space.

I imagine that Future You – the one who wishes she could hop into a time machine and rip up a lease – would tell you the same thing. She'd say, "Why did we do this when it was clear he didn't want to live with us?" Really, how do you think this will feel in six months?

You don't have to break up, by the way. If you guys decide that you want to stay together, you can continue to be a couple – just with a lot less pressure for immediate success. Maybe he'd be the better version of himself again if the moving-in issue was off the table. If not, you'll feel better about walking away.

Clearly you guys aren't ready for this big change. It's not too late to change the plan.


– Meredith