My boyfriend and I are in our mid-to-late 20s, have been dating for two years, and are really happy together. We love each other's families, we don't bicker or fight very often, we laugh all the time, and we can definitely see a future together.
We don't live together yet, but we've talked about it since I do spend most nights at his place anyway. The problem I'm having seems to be the opposite of most other relationships — I have a MUCH higher sex drive than him, and am constantly getting turned down for sex by him. When we do have sex, it's amazing; it's just not nearly as frequent as I'd like. Since I know readers will be curious/want context, it's currently one to two times a week, and while I'd love daily, I'd be happy with three to four times a week. The first year we were dating (I know, I know, the honeymoon phase), we seemed to be more on the same page, but now our needs seem to have gotten farther apart. I've always heard that women's sexual peak is in their 30's while men hit it in their early 20's. If this is the case, I'm worried I'll become even more unsatisfied in an important area of our relationship as I want it even more and he wants it even less.
My ex-boyfriend was pretty sex-crazed and ended up cheating on me, so I'm trying to see a lower sex drive as a positive thing, especially since my current relationship is the best one I've ever been in. Is there a way to compromise or to get him more interested? Or is our sex life going to be totally doomed further down the road?
- Sexually frustrated
You're not doomed. Really, if I'm doing the math right, you'd be happy with one more night (or morning) of sex each week. Maybe two, depending on the week. That's not a big jump.
What concerns me is how you're both dealing with the issue. Constant sexual rejection can kill a relationship. You need to talk to your boyfriend about your desires and find out if there's a way to have more sex without it feeling like an obligation. Find out when he likes sex most. Ask him what he enjoys, in general. Maybe you should be initiating at a different time of day ... or trying something new.
Have the conversation when you're both relaxed and in a good mood. Let him know that this isn't a judgement – it's just something that should be discussed before there's a move-in. And it doesn't have to be a very serious talk. If you're the kind of couple that laughs a lot, you can have fun with this.
Also know that this isn't "the opposite of most other relationships." The whole "men always want to have sex" thing is a myth. Some men do, some men don't. There are many women out there who want more.
Readers? How can they talk about this? Are they doomed?