We Have Different Values

I'm dating a guy who's outgoing, whereas I'm more reserved. We're both in our early 20's – he's been a party boy all his life and I've been a sheltered/naive "good girl" all of mine. But I know he is a decent guy on the inside — or I wouldn't have gone near him.

And that's why I continue to date him. Aside from his choices to drink and smoke weed every day, he is the definition of a good guy. He knows what he wants, but he has also said he's not going to change his habits for me. I'm left in a position of great respect because he knows himself so well, but I am also frustrated because he's so very much the opposite of me when it comes to our views on drinking and doing drugs. I'm trying my best to accept it.

Am I right in doing this when my feelings are so torn? One day I can be so accepting, but others I just feel so angry that I'm dating someone who advocates things I am so against. I admit that I have been sheltered/stayed away from all the "bad kids"/bad activities, but I also admit that I see the benefits of that lifestyle because the friends he has are so welcoming. Do I stick to my values or do I accept him as he is?

– Torn in Two


It's great to hear that he's a good guy. Good guys are the best. But not all good guys are good for everyone.

This guy doesn't just dabble with drugs, he smokes weed every day. This is his way of life, and if it offends you, it's not a good match.

Try not to think of it as good vs. bad. His friends are welcoming because they're nice people. Everyone is a "good kid" here. But that doesn't mean you and your boyfriend are compatible.

It's unlikely that you'll find a partner whose values match your own in every way, but you should be with a someone whose daily routine doesn't upset you. A good relationship won't make you feel torn in two.

Readers? Good people?

– Meredith