We'll do some updates on Monday. Today's letter ... well, I assume the person who sent it is real, unlike some of those alleged Ashley Madison users.
I am a 55-year-old male, newly divorced after 35 years. I am new to the dating scene but have stumbled around the online sites and met a great woman who's 45. She too is recently divorced. We have been together for over six months and see each other almost every day. I really do love her and she me. The problem: About two years ago, while she was still married, she went onto Ashley Madison and met some men – lots of men. She met with about 20 guys in person, and had sex with at least 10 of them in a 12-month period.
She has been very open about this and has answered all my questions. Some were one-time flings, others a few meetings. She calls it her "wild period" – she was so starved for sex that she went for it. She says she "learned a lot," and now she says she's over it. Yes, I have a BIG problem with this. I can't get it out of my head. If we go a stretch without being intimate, did she have enough? Get it all out of her system? When we are intimate, is she thinking of the 10 guys she slept with? How do I compare?
This may be normal for the younger crowd, but not for me. She doesn't understand why it bothers me. I ask her, "How would you feel if I slept with 10 women?" She admits she would not be happy. If she slept with 10 guys in 20 years, that I could understand. Ten in 12 months? How do I handle this? How do I get past it? I do love this girl, but I fear this will tear us apart.
– Number 11
The most surprising thing, to me, is that a real woman was on Ashley Madison. All of those accusations about fake profiles on that site ... your girlfriend must have had her pick if she was living and breathing and willing to show up.
I'm also surprised that you seem to be more upset about the number of guys she slept with than you are about the fact that she was on that website to begin with. It's a site marketed to people who want to betray their spouses. It's not as though she went on Tinder and found some single men to fulfill her needs. She went for the married ones. That's hard to get over – and it should be much more difficult to accept than the fact that she had a lot of sex in one year.
She says she "learned a lot." I'd ask her what she means by that. That's the information you need as you decide whether you can make peace with her past.
Readers? Is he upset about the right thing?