Happy Monday. Today's letter comes from a nameless person in Boston. Let's tell her what's what.
I am in an interesting situation. A year ago I moved from Boston back to my home state with my boyfriend to pursue another job opportunity and to live closer to my family. Upon starting my new job, I quickly became best friends and fell in love with a co-worker.
The situation was sticky. I was living with my boyfriend who relocated for me, and my co-worker was in a 10 year relationship (no engagement, no marriage). Eventually after a few months I decided to move back to the Boston area because I thought he was not ready to walk away from his current girlfriend and I didn't want to pressure him into anything.
Nine months have past since I returned to Boston. My old-coworker and I still keep in touch on a daily basis. Last month we decided we were going to be together. He's going to move out of his house with his ex-girlfriend and I'm going to move out of my place I currently share with my ex-boyfriend.
My question is - is this smart? I'm nervous because he has been in a 10 year relationship (he broke up with her at the time we fell in love but they still live together since they both pay the mortgage), but at the same time we fought the desire to be together for a year and nothing has stopped us from contacting each other. I love him with all of my heart, but I'm afraid I may be setting myself up for failure. Thoughts?
I don’t know that I’d call your situation “interesting.” I’d call it inconsiderate.
You’re plotting to commit to a guy who's supposed to be committed to someone else (and I don’t buy the mortgage excuse for why he has stayed with his girlfriend – that’s why roommates were invented).
Your letter makes it clear that your own boyfriend (or is he an ex already?) is a plan B – someone to keep around just in case the guy you really like doesn’t come through.
Are you setting yourself up for failure if you move in with Mr. Co-Worker? Probably. His track record shows he’s fond of escape plans and not following through.
Are you setting yourself up for failure if you stay with your (ex) boyfriend? Probably. Sounds like you don't love him at all.
I know this is easier said than done, but perhaps it’s time to give up on both guys. See if you can be single, for real, and maybe you’ll find someone who’s really single.
Readers? Want to let loose with some tough love? Or do you disagree? Share, please.
Want to help another lovelorn reader? Try this problem.
Speaking of Love
"Love drains from you, takes with it much of your blood sugar and water weight. You are like a house slowly losing its electricity, the fans slowing, the lights dimming and flickering; the clocks stop and go and stop."
Lorrie Moore, "Self-Help"