It's self-esteem Friday! Let's help this letter writer with her swagger.
Good morning Meredith!
I was at a large party over the weekend and met the total package -- a smart, funny, kind guy. We talked about everything--his work, my work, our favorite things, our secret creative outlets. Lots of smiling into each others' eyes and being all, "I looooove Renaissance literature too!" I "friended" him on Facebook (and a few other great folks I met at the same event) the next night, and he immediately "friended" me back.
What's the issue? He is completely, utterly gorgeous. Chiseled-jawline-J.Crew-fall-catalog gorgeous. And I'm...well, to call me average looking would be kind (I'm not deformed or anything, but I'm definitely not bringing sexy back).
Should I wait for him to say or do something, or try to create another opportunity for awesome conversation/connection (and hope that my personality will make up for what I lack in external beauty)? Try to cultivate a friendship with the expectation that nothing could come of it? Do stunning guys ever date chicks that are less than amazing? I see homely fellows with knockouts, but I haven't encountered much of the reverse.
– Dreaming About a Smokin' Hottie, Somerville
DAASH, I can think of a number examples of average-looking women who date super hot guys -- but I can’t name them because they might read this and then they’d know I think they’re average looking. You see the dilemma.
But forget about them. Let’s focus on you. Why would a J. Crew-perfect guy want to date you? Because you loooove Renaissance literature -- and because you’re obviously a funny person. You’re silly and endearingly self-deprecating. I’m sure the list of reasons why you’re awesome is longer than that, but I don’t know you so you’ll have to finish it yourself.
Perfect men aren’t so perfect. I’m sure he has been rejected in the past -- we all have. And frankly, as a perfect person, he’s at a disadvantage. He has to hope that his personality lives up to his face. That’s a constant challenge for him, I’m sure.
Get your act together and acknowledge that you are better than “not deformed.” You’re average-looking with a good personality. That is awesome. Average-looking people with good personalities run the world. They’re the lives of the party -- the people you want to get to know better.
This guy could have spent time with anyone at the party and he chose you. If you haven’t already, sit down at your computer and e-mail this guy. Right now (yes, that’s an order). Tell him you’d like to chat some more over dinner. Then charm the pants off him (literally or figuratively).
Just know that no matter what he says -- whether it’s a yes or a no -- attractiveness is all about attitude and self-confidence. We all have moments of feeling ugly, fat, clumsy, or simply average, but we must overcome them. Someone’s going to date this guy. Why shouldn’t it be you?
You don't need to bring sexy back. As Prince once said, sexy never left. You've had it all along.
Readers? Can your average gal land a J. Crew guy? Can this guy be as hot as she thinks he is? Am I right to think that as a “perfect guy” he has more expectations to worry about? Any tips for boosting self-esteem? Share here. (We're taking Labor Day off, so make today count.)
Speaking of Love
"The Brooklyn botanical gardens -- we slow-dance, sipping Prosecco under the stars. Just kidding. No date, please just come over! I'm already kind of drunk."
— Amy Schumer in 2013 on her ideal first date