And former letter writers, give us an update. Where are you now? Did we help? Email your update to [email protected] with "update" in the subject line. Tell me which letter was yours and how it all worked out.
Hello Love Letters,
I'm in love with my best friend. It all started in college when we met while he was dating my friend. We instantly became friends and that was that. We later lived together with four of our other college friends. I always thought he was cute, but honestly just thought of him as a friend. That is until we slept together.
The night we slept together I had flown in from the other side of the country for a wedding. We hadn't seen each other in a couple months but we had talked, albeit infrequently. The whole night he was acting very attentive and touchy. He was trying to buy me food and sticking by my side, which is very unlike him, and other people noticed too. Then, when we finally kissed, it felt perfect. Like something clicked. He was calling me beautiful and saying how he was happy this was finally happening. After we had sex we went our separate ways and I tried not to think about how I wanted more than just one night. I knew I was flying home in a few hours and there was nothing to be done. Then I land for my first layover and a texts pops up from ... let's call him Adam. So Adam and I start talking and he tells me how he can't stop smiling, that I should visit soon. I tell him he can visit me and he gets so excited. And I think, WOW, maybe this is more than just a one night thing. I start smiling and I don't stop – until the next day I text him and no response. This is normal for Adam, so I don't think anything of it. After a bit of prompting from a friend, I take the leap and ask if he will be around for Christmas. I say I want to see him. He responds that he will not be around and says "sorry fam." OK, weird.
Then I say that I would have love to spend some time with him and do "that" and I get no response. So I say "If that's going to happen again." No response. So I panic. I'm putting myself out there with someone who is important to me, and I'm terrified. So I say, "Let me just crawl under a rock," because I think he didn't mean any of the sweet things he said two days ago. Twenty minutes later I get a text that says "NOOOOOO." He tells me that he was happy it happened but that I'm his best friend and he thinks it would a "dumb" idea to do it again.
And I am crushed, but to salvage our friendship, I agree. I spent the next couple weeks crying over Taylor Swift songs and wishing he never said those sweet things and made me feel like there was hope. Then I moved on to feeling nothing which is how I work when it comes to tough feelings. Now I am more hurt and mad. I'm in need of advice. Do I just forgo our friendship and call him out? Tell him how I feel, or do I realize he is obviously not seriously interested in me and act like the easygoing friend who can move past it? Who knows, maybe one day I can.
"Do I just forgo our friendship and call him out? Tell him how I feel, or do I realize he is obviously not seriously interested in me and act like the easygoing friend who can move past it?”
How about no to all of these options. The first leads you to more confrontation and hurt feelings, and I'm not sure you're ready to process this with him yet. The other involves you having to fake a level of comfort that you just aren't experiencing right now. That option is a lie.
Instead, do the honest thing. Your friend led you to believe (whether he meant to or not) that this might be more than one night. He said he wanted you to visit, which, yes, implied something could continue.
Then you learned that your romantic (or sexual) relationship was, in his mind, a blip. A wonderful but one-time thing. Now you're sad and disappointed and need some space to reset. Why don't you take that space? You don't live near him. You don't talk all of the time anyway. In reality, he is not your best friend.
Use this time to remember who he was before all of this – a guy you didn't think of that way. You are not in love with him.
Be mad, sad, confused, whatever. Just don't worry about how you'll deal with him. Right now, you don't have to prioritize him.
Let him worry about how he should behave to be part of your life again. Really, just sit with your feelings. I know it's hard. For soundtrack, maybe ... "Exile."
Readers? Advice for next steps? How to you undo this kind of excitement-turned-disappointment?