If I were her, I’d want to know

Chat at 1 p.m. 

Hi Meredith,

I met a guy on a dating app back in the Summer of 2015. I was 27 at the time and dating a ton. It wasn't until a few months down the road that I realized I had fallen hard for him. At the time, he told me he was having significant family issues. He even cried on my couch one night. We never committed to each other, but I was comfortable with the pace of our relationship. Eventually, the family issues made him leave me (that was early 2016). We didn't speak for 10 days, and then I woke up with a text from him basically saying he didn't want to drag me into the mess, etc. I was heartbroken but glad he was safe, wished things could be different, but I understood. We had only been seeing each other for a few months.

Well, after a few months of back and forth texting, I invited him over on St. Patrick’s Day for a drunken romp. I was very drunk, angry, upset, but we hooked up. I woke up later that night to shower. He left. In April he told me the reason he left was because I was "beating him up” emotionally. He also told me he was dating someone new.

That December 2016, he asked to see me, despite having a girlfriend. He told me he messed up, gave me some sob story, and I believed him. I didn't think it was serious with his girlfriend (they were only 6 months in at the time), so we started seeing each other. It continued until I found out he proposed – to her – this past June. He's continued to contact me monthly via text. I have not responded. He's even gone as far to say that he's always loved me. I believe him, but I want something better for myself. My question for you is: Would you contact her? I feel heartless. I admire her ignorance; I'm even jealous of it. I don't want to burst her bubble, but honestly I would want someone to tell me if I were her. But should I?

– Should I?


There's never an easy answer when it comes to revealing someone else's cheat. There's the "let them figure it out – it's none of your business!" philosophy, and the "wouldn't you want to know" way of thinking, both of which make sense. There are pros and cons with all of it, so let's make a list, shall we?

Pros:
* You would want to know. By telling her, you'll have done your part to be transparent.

Cons:
* She might not believe you.
* You have no idea what boundaries they've set in their relationship. He lied to you, but how do you know he lied to her?
* He/they might try to involve you in the aftermath.
* It might feel awful to be attached to someone else's painful experience.

I haven't done a great job with the pro list. Maybe that's because it's so messy – and you're finally in a place where you can ignore him and sever all ties. Please keep adding to both lists and then think about what will bring you the most peace. That's the real answer to this; you want to choose the path that helps you sleep at night, and the one that makes you feel like you're taking care of yourself.

– Meredith

Readers? Share?