He wants to sleep in bed with his female friend

Dear Meredith,

I met this really great guy three months ago, and we became exclusive pretty much right away. He's funny, sweet, and very smart. He brings me flowers for no reason and is very affectionate. However, he talks to a lot of girls from his past. Some are exes, some are long-term friends. He expects some of them to visit soon (they mostly live in other states), and they will be staying with him. One of them will be sleeping in his bed with him. He claims it would be weird if she didn't sleep in his bed, since they have before. He also says that as of right now, she is more important than I am.

She is a bit older than him, and they have always been "just friends," but I don't care. I find this to be completely insane. He says I have nothing to worry about, and he gets very upset when I say anything about it. He says it's insulting and makes it seem like I don't trust him. I really don't think he values my opinion or cares about how I feel. But ... we have a lot in common, and he's really fun to be around. Maybe this is something I could potentially get past, but it seems weird.

Meanwhile, I have been friends with my own ex for about five years. We dated for about a year. We had a great relationship, and the breakup was mutual and friendly. He was going to be stationed out of the country, and we both decided to put things on hold. We talked almost daily on video chat, and I still consider him to be one of my best friends. About six months ago, I went to visit him. It was a great time, and I realized how much I missed him. Then, a couple of months ago, he was home visiting family. We hung out a few times, but he knows I have been seeing someone else. He is going to be stationed across the country for the next three years and has now told me that he wants me to move there and be with him. He's basically said he is ready to settle down with me, now that he's back in the U.S.

I have always loved him, and this new relationship does not seem to be working, but I'm scared because it is such a big move. My entire life is here. Should I stay here and try to work things out with the new guy, or take the leap and move across the country to be with the guy I love?

– What now?


There is a third choice here, you know. You could break up with your boyfriend and be single.

But ... something tells me you're not into that idea, so let's explore your other two options.

My thoughts on your current boyfriend: There's nothing wrong with having close friends and exes who stick around, but it's weird that he's so focused on the one woman sharing his bed. Maybe he doesn't like the idea of rules or changing his routine, but he should care about making you comfortable. He could have said, "Hey, when you meet her, this will all make sense." Instead, he ranked her as "more important," which was weird and unnecessary.

You might be more inclined to learn more about his friendships if you weren't lining up a new relationship with your own ex. That's the real deal-breaker here – the fact that you want to be with someone else. You used the word "love" at the end of your letter, and it's clear you mean it.

For that reason, do everyone a favor and breakup with your boyfriend. Then plan some trips to see your ex so you can see how it feels to be in his world.

Do try to remember that first option I mentioned. If those visits don't feel right, you are capable of being alone.

– Meredith

Readers? Is the bed thing weird? What should she do?