Good morning. Prepare yourself -- today's letter is a doozy.
So, I'll just be up front about this... I'm getting married next month, but I think I'm in love with another woman.
My fiancee and I have been together for a couple of years and our relationship, for the most part, have been wonderful. She's intelligent, thoughtful, attractive, fun, and we hit it off from our first date. I'm crazy about her. I always thought there was a little something missing, but overall I was excited to be with her.
I was always anxious about the engagement and upcoming marriage, but I took that to be cold feet or whatever. Then I met someone else who I connected with instantly, in many ways more deeply than with my fiancee. I haven't cheated on her, but I've wanted to. This other woman(I guess that's what she is) is remarkable, beautiful, interesting, intelligent...
I'm a little confused as to whether this is just a reaction to the stress of an upcoming marriage, or if this is a major sign that something is seriously lacking or wrong with my relationship with my fiancee? Or maybe I'm just a total jerk? Thanks.
I think they made a movie about this called "The Wedding Planner." In the end, the wedding is scrapped, and everyone is shiny and happy, especially J. Lo.
But this isn't a movie, Confused.
I'm pretty sure that "cold feet" is nervousness and mild second-guessing. I've never known it to mean being in love (or lust) with someone else. Too many people get married with their fingers crossed. I fear that if you carry through with your wedding plans, you'll either succumb to your desires post-ceremony, or you'll go through life resenting your wonderful partner for not being more wonderful.
I'm prone to over-sharing, so take this with a grain of whatever, but perhaps you should talk to your spouse-to-be about your state of confusion. Tell her you have a crush that's making you doubt. The truth will hurt, for sure, but she deserves to know what she's getting herself into.
If you and future-wife are meant to stick together, this will be good practice. This won't be your last crush. She'll have them, too. Figuring out how to cope with the fear-of-missing-out (what my friends call FOMO) is just one of the reasons marriage is so difficult.
Of course, if you want out and you're simply afraid of the cost and pain of undoing of a wedding, I'm here to tell you that cancelling a party is usually much cheaper than divorce. But if you're truly confused, Confused, you should share your feelings with the person who matters most --the woman who thinks you're ready to marry her.
Readers? Share your thoughts on the matter here.
And we still need some help with yesterday's letter ... also a doozy ....
Speaking of Love
"I think romance is anything honest. As long as it's honest, it's so disarming."
— Kristen Stewart in Harper’s Bazaar
CAN’T HELP MYSELF is Meredith’s memoir about giving advice, learning from readers, working with an ex, and moms and daughters. It’s also a story about how an online community can become another kind of family.