Love Letters: We Don’t Have Much To Talk About

Hi Meredith,

I've been married to my husband for six years. We didn't date much, but we started living together right away. There's an age gap between us.

I knew his past -- I knew that he had been with a lot of women before. But it looked like he wanted to settle down. Since then, everything has worked out pretty well.

We used to spend a lot of time together. Then we had a period of cooling between us. I think the routine took over. He started texting and talking with past friends/girlfriends. I wasn't supporting that, and I didn't trust him anymore. We fought a lot about it. But at some point I said no more and was ready to separate. He didn't want to, so he stopped. Then we had almost a year in almost perfect relationship.

Now we are good and stable, but we don't have much to talk about, and if something is going on with him, I feel I'm the last to know about it. We don't spend much time together, and he talks to some of those ex-girlfriends again. He says that it is just talk and that he doesn't do anything wrong. But why doesn't he text me to talk instead of them? I do believe him, but I am afraid to be hurt.

I love him and I'm starting to trust him again, but I'm still afraid he will hurt me. We planned our future together and everything seems to be OK, but I don't want to share him with anybody.

– Thanks For the Help

Sharing your husband might make the marriage better. You don't have to share him with ex-girlfriends necessarily, but you should encourage him to have friends. You need friends, too. You win nothing by isolating the marriage.

Work on building your community as a twosome. Have people over to the house or go out to dinner with some shared acquaintances. It sounds like you guys just live together like roommates. You need to learn to hang out like friends.

The more you develop a world that you can share, the more you'll have to talk about as partners. That's why social time has to be a part of your routine. Also try to come up with a regular activity that you'd both enjoy doing together. It can even be watching the same TV show every week. You need low-stress fun. It'll help with the intimacy.

Readers? What can she do to make the marriage better? Is it doomed because they didn't have much of a friendship to begin with? What about his texts to the exes?

– Meredith