Love Letters: My Husband Has Been Sleeping With Men

I am not really sure where to begin, so I will just come right out with it. My husband is bisexual. About six months ago he sat me down and told me. Of course the first thing that popped into my head was our sex life. It's really pretty amazing, so needless to say I was shocked. A bit horrified as well, but mostly shocked. My husband, the former high school jock, was having sex with other men. He went on to explain that he loved me, that this wasn't something that he partook in regularly (it was only when he had a few drinks too many, which was rare), and that he hoped I would continue to talk to him and not rush into a divorce. He then went on to tell me that it was usually with one man who happened to be a childhood friend of ours.

It took me some time to get over the shock obviously, but I love my husband. I have known him almost my entire life, our families have been friends for years, and I just couldn't imagine my life without him. So I turned a blind eye. I can say that honestly I have no idea when he does this, though I could probably guess. He's home every night (aside from when he has to travel) and our life, on the outside, is exactly the same. We have talked about starting a family soon and his face just lights up when we talk about our future.

About two weeks ago, our "friend" ended up being kicked out of his place and my husband asked if it would be OK if he stayed with us for a few days until he figured things out and found another place to live. I relented, but with strict boundaries that I expected them to follow. Surprisingly, it had been pretty normal. No shenanigans that I witnessed and certainly nothing that ever seemed flirty or inappropriate. It was just like old times when we used to hang out together.

Everything was fine until last Saturday night. We had hosted a party for a few of our friends. Clearly there was quite a bit alcohol, but nothing seemed weird or awkward. My husband had a few too many and had gone to bed earlier. I had walked our last guests out and had gone to our bathroom to get ready for bed. As I walked into our bedroom, there was my husband with his back to me and our "friend" facing him and whispering to him. I probably stood there for a full minute before I came to my senses. I ended up just walking away and crying myself to sleep in the guest room.

The next morning my husband came down to the kitchen and looked heartbroken. He couldn't stop apologizing, said he couldn't imagine how I felt and that he loves me no matter what. He said the only excuse he had was he was trashed. He told me our "friend" left and was not coming back. I told him I needed some space and he left. I went upstairs and he graciously removed all the bedding from our bed and just started crying all over again.

That was four days ago. I haven't asked him to move out but we haven't spoken to each other. We do sleep in the same bed and he will hold me while I cry myself to sleep. I am just at a loss. I can't be the only one this has ever happened to, right? People can survive this kind of thing? I am just too embarrassed to discuss with friends, family, or even a therapist. Please tell me it will be OK.

– Wrecked in Rye, NH


The issue here isn't bisexuality, it's infidelity. Your husband told you that he's been having sex with other people behind your back. Is that what you signed up for when you got married? Would you turn a blind eye if he was having sex with a female friend when you weren't around?

If you need monogamy, you can't bend the rules. He confessed that he's been cheating, and somehow that led to an open marriage -- just for him. You can't start a family with someone you don't trust. You must table that plan for now.

Please take this issue to therapy because that's what it's for. You will be OK -- and yes, this has happened to other people -- but you'll need help from a professional as you make decisions about what to do next. If you can get send this story into Love Letters, you are capable of taking it to counseling.

Readers? What did he really confess? What should she do?

– Meredith