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My fiance and I have been together for over seven years and our relationship is great. We still do date nights and enjoy each other's company, and yet we still have our independence — one of us can go out for a night without the other person needing to tag along. He's also the nicest, most caring person I've ever met, and he's very attractive. He's tall, has the kindest eyes, a great smile, and he's at the gym every day so he looks great.
The issue is that I'm never in the mood. And it's really not him. I don't want to do it with anyone. I don't even want to indulge by myself. There's just nothing there. No fantasies ... nothing. I feel like Ryan Gosling could walk over and "hey girl" me and I'd be all, "yeah, okay." I've never been a super sexual person, but over the past few months our life in the bedroom has taken a nose dive. And I feel awful because it's making him feel insignificant and insecure, which is the last thing I want.
This loss of appetite seems to be a culmination of a bunch of things:
1. I've been on antidepressants since we've been together, which has always made things more challenging. But that alone has never killed our intimacy completely.
2. My stress level at work is fairly high and that's kind of new. I've always been very career focused and things are going well for me right now, but I know it's taking a toll mentally.
3. I'm not super pleased with my body at the moment for all kinds of reasons. I try to work out a couple times a week, but I'm kind of "meh" about this whole thing I've got going on. Of course, perfect man that he is, fiance constantly compliments me and is clearly attracted to me.
4. The coup de grâce: Planning a wedding. I hate this wedding. The only shred of happiness this has brought me is the fact that I get to marry the person I love. But with all the budgeting and financial nonsense, family and bridesmaid drama, and overall planning work on top of what is already a very stressful day job, I'm losing my mind. Yes, I'm sure the day will be lovely and I'll be happy, but I would really like to not be freaking out about every little detail 24/7.
So right now I'm feeling like the odds are stacked against me. I feel like I have a lot to overcome in order to get in the right mindset to feel "it" again. I don't know where to begin and I'm feeling like this is completely abnormal and awful. I love my fiance to death, and I just want to fix this. And I don't want to have to wait until after the wedding to bounce back. For what it's worth, we have had many conversations about this and he's doing his best to be understanding, but I can tell he's frustrated.
So there it is! I'm hoping that you and your readers can provide some tips to get me over this dry spell and get out of my own head!
– Smoochless in Salem
You made a great list. Now you have to go through it and make life changes.
First, you need to delegate some of the wedding nonsense. Do you have an ambitious bridesmaid or relative who can take on some of the tiny tasks? If so, put them to work. Some people actually like doing this wedding stuff, so let them.
Then deal with your health. Go to your doctor and talk about the medication situation. Maybe you're on the best dose of everything right now, but it's possible that a different drug plan will help you find your drive. It's also possible that new medication will help you sleep and relax. Really, if you're drowning in stress and not getting the rest you need, sex will seem like a chore. Sleep is big.
And gym is a must – for your body and your brain. If you're not jazzed about your regular workout, find a fancy class. You need those endorphins.
Also know that better weather will help. It was an awful winter, the kind that freezes all body parts. It's time to start going outside.
Readers? Did planning a wedding kill your libido? Have you had this issue with antidepressants? How can she find her drive?