My friend’s husband is on Grindr

Hi, Meredith.

My friend "Marissa" and I have known each other for over 15 years. About five years ago, she started dating this guy, "Tom." I never particularly cared for him. He knows how close Marissa and I are, yet Tom never made any efforts to get to know me. I also got the sense he was gay. He proposed to her and they got married about eight months later.

Last night, Marissa's little sister called me to tell me that one her friends had found Tom on Grindr (like Tinder for gay men, for anyone who doesn't know). I don't know what to do. I know I have to tell Marissa, but how? Her sister is only 16, and I feel like it's my responsibility in this situation to protect her, so the burden really does fall on my shoulders. I don't want to get too many other people involved, for both of their sakes.

How do I confront him? Or should I skip confronting him and just bring the evidence to her? If so, how do I do that without having her hate me for this? I'm completely devastated for her, but don't want to be cruel and force him out of the closet. This is definitely a time sensitive issue, so a speedy response would be appreciated more than you know.

– Burdened


Don't confront Tom. Your relationship is with Marissa, so you have to focus on her.

Go to Marissa and tell her that this Grindr account has been brought to your attention. Explain that you've had trouble deciding what to do about the information, but that if the tables were turned, you'd want to know.

Tell her you're not making any assumptions or judgements, at least not about her. You just want to be a good friend. You just want to make sure she's OK.

She might hate you for being the messenger. She might deny that this is important information, or tell you that you don't know what you're talking about. If that happens, all you can do is reiterate that you love her. Let her know that she's your first priority, no matter what. Let her know you'll follow her lead.

Readers? Should she go to her friend or Tom? What should she say? Should she keep this to herself?

– Meredith