She wanted to be celibate

Meredith,

I am a 37-year-old man, and 10 months ago I started dating my ex-wife again. We share two children under 10, and between the two of us we have eight kids. We got "re-engaged" early in July. Everything has been great – she has found religion in her life and has made some amazing changes. Until the last month, that is.

It all started at the end of July. She decided she wanted to be celibate until we got married next year. This really upset me because we have been physical since the first day we got back together. The whole summer I have been pretty much staying at her house with our children while my kids were visiting with their mom. Even when my kids came back, we still were at her house. "One big happy family." Well, a month ago, my son and I went on a trip about an hour away. During this week, my ex/soon-to-be wife started getting really distant. When I inquired about it, she stated that whenever we touch hug and kiss, we end up having sex. This really upset me and I started letting her know that the celibacy was unsettling to me and I didn't like it.

The more I pushed the issue, the further she fell away from me. By the second week, we were arguing about a lot little petty issues and I started feeling lonely. I reached out to a former fling, we planned to meet for lunch, but I never showed up, feeling guilty. The next week I talked to my former fling and told her I couldn't meet her because I was putting my family back together. Somehow I thought it would be a good idea to bring this conversation up with my soon-to-be wife, maybe to make her jealous and to make me look good. To make a long story short, she broke up with me because she feels I cheated on her. Her words: "Once you made that call you might as well have slept with her."

I apologized for calling the former fling and told her that I never intended on sleeping with the woman. I told her I just wanted a little conversation, which she wouldn't give me for two weeks because I was putting too much pressure on the sexual subject. I love my ex-wife/now-ex-fiancee dearly, and really just wanted her attention. Did I cheat? Do I even deserve her? She says that she can never trust me again, and that God has shown her she has something better around the corner. This has somewhat destroyed me because I want our family back together. I want to be an everyday father to my two little ones. We still have contact and we have both said we love each other many since all this happened. Any suggestions on how to get her back?

– Want Her Back Again


I'm thinking that there might be something better around the corner for you, too. Maybe not better, but different. Your ex wants a celibate engagement and considers calling an old fling a big cheat. You have no interest in celibacy and consider the phone call to your fling a stupid but mostly harmless decision. You guys have very different priorities this time around. Her beliefs are big. Is she really the right partner for you?

Living in the same house with your kids and their mother is wonderful — in theory. But it's not so great if the marriage isn't healthy. You learned within 10 months that you want different things, and that the minute it stopped working, she retreated, and you looked for attention elsewhere. My advice is to have an honest conversation with your ex about how you can love each other as co-parents instead of pretending you share the same philosophies about relationships. Because it's pretty clear you don't.

Readers? What can be saved here? How can he get her back? Should he get her back?

– Meredith