Hung up on my boyfriend’s family

Our first Love Letters event of the year is this. It's like ... Love Letters in graphic novel form. I love it. It'll be a fun night but it's small, so register now. Liz's work is so cool.

I'm 27 years old and expecting my first child. My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and three months now, and everything has been great – until a recent falling out between me, his mother, and his sister. When my boyfriend and I first got together, we decided to have no contact with any of the people in our past relationships. We had both been cheated on, so we figured this would be the best thing to keep our relationship strong. When I mentioned that my boyfriend planned to quit his job to make it easier to move in with me, there was a family explosion. His mother and sister both yelled at me for controlling his life, all because I wanted to take the next step in our relationship. His sister got upset at me for not letting her brother talk to his exes. She also blamed me for "taking away her best friend," even though we only live 40 minutes away.

Recently, my boyfriend and I were planning on how we would announce our pregnancy. Lo and behold, his sister had announced it on her Facebook without my knowledge because we blocked each other a long time ago. I felt like she overstepped her boundaries, and I sent her a message explaining why I felt the way I did, and I asked her politely to please remove the post. When I attempted to talk to her on the phone, she hung up on me, and the post about my pregnancy remained, without me being included. My boyfriend's mother called and started yelling at me, and said her daughter did nothing wrong. She told me she feared I was going to keep my child away from them. This completely floored me. That was the lowest of blows, and I told her I didn't want anything to do with her or her daughter, and I hung up the phone. I haven't spoken to her since, and the last time I saw her, she turned and walked in the other direction.

Now his sister is constantly posting pictures of my boyfriend on her Facebook page intentionally to get his ex-girlfriends to like and comment on them. She recently shared our gender reveal picture, when she had no permission to do so, and my boyfriend's exes were liking and commenting on it. I have repeatedly told my boyfriend how much the two of them have hurt me, and it's to the point that I am afraid we are going to lose everything we have. I don't want my daughter to grow up with separated parents, especially parents that have true love for each other, but I don't know how much more disrespect I can take. I have asked him over and over to stand up for me, but he never does. I feel like giving up already.

– Please help


Who told the sister you were pregnant? Who told her the baby's gender? It sounds like you and the boyfriend are not on the same page when it comes to sharing news. If you want to save your relationship, you have to make a deal about how and when to involve family in your life. If his sister is the kind of person who will post personal information on Facebook without permission, your boyfriend shouldn't tell her things until you're ready for everyone to know.

Once you've figured out those rules and have talked about how you can involve your families in your shared life, you should make peace with your boyfriend's mother and sister, even if it means apologizing. These women are afraid that you'll take their son/brother away from them, and your response has been to do just that. You hung up on his mother. You've blocked his sister. Sure, you had your reasons, but these people are important. You can't delete them if your boyfriend wants them around. Tell the mother you're sorry for hanging up on her – because you should be. Assure her that you want her to know her grandchild. Be kind to the sister and stop checking Facebook. If you ignore her passive-aggressive noise, it will go away.

Readers? Should she apologize? What’s the boyfriend’s role in this?

– Meredith