We’re on a roller coaster of turmoil

We have just a few more spots open for this Love Letters event next Thursday. I've been trying to get Liz to do something with us for like a year. Come join.

In other news, I've been thinking about how some of our most anxious, distraught, overwhelmed letters come from people in their 20s. I have some theories about why, but if you have any empathetic insight, this letter writer could use it.


I don't know what else to say other than I am completely lost. I am 25 and my boyfriend and I have been together for approaching two years. I have never once thought that he wasn't the one for me. He is smart, funny, and I have never been so in love or cared so much about one person. It just felt right to be together. We fell in love fast and have had many conversations about the future, marriage, and children. Our relationship was ideal until toward the end of the summer, when I found out he had lied to me on two occasions about who he was spending time with. I didn't suspect anything devious but the lie sent us into a tailspin that we have not seemed to recover from. This summer argument dredged up all of my boyfriend's insecurities and coincided with a stressful time at work. We tried to work through our problems with him but I've been doing most of the work myself, which he recognized.

We have spent the last three months in periods of happiness and in periods of complete torture as he pushes me away when he feels stressed and pulls me toward him when he misses me. He says he loves and cares about me but I'm in utter turmoil. I know I should have the strength to do what is right for myself and walk away, but I don't have that strength. He has put me on an emotional roller coaster, but my love and care for him has not wavered and I am sucked in by the moments of care he does show. I'm in therapy, I spend time with friends and family, and I try to do things for myself but no matter what I do I ache for him and find myself wondering how we can make it work. I cannot eat, sleep, or feel even a minute of relief in my day. If there is no resolution, I am afraid of being in love with him forever.

– Not myself anymore

The turmoil comes from the not knowing and the hoping, right? That means the answer is to let go.

I know you fear that life without him would feel worse than it does right now, but a decision would bring great relief. Learning to be alone is better than trying to survive misery with someone else. You said it yourself in your last sentence – you're desperate for a resolution.

Therapy is good. Friends and family are great. They'll be even better when you get real space from this roller coaster. If your boyfriend isn't doing any of the work, allow yourself to end it on your terms.

Readers? How can she bring herself to end this relationship? Are there any other options?

– Meredith