I said horrible things to him while drunk

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I am a mean drunk, specifically when I drink vodka. Not long ago, I was out with friends and was very intoxicated and having a great time. My boyfriend showed up and I was so happy to see him. Everything was fine, but then there was a shift in his personality when he noticed I received a Snapchat from his friend. I am very faithful to him, but he doesn't trust me due to his reasoning that I am "attractive." He began talking about breaking up, which he always does when he's mad, and I lost it. I was so angry that he had ruined my night, and I just went off. I don't remember much, but I know that I said things to hurt him. I said things I can never take back. They were absolutely horrible and I am so disappointed in myself. He used to be very emotionally abusive, and I cannot tell if I'm harboring some type of resentment toward him. He used to make me feel so bad about myself and who I was, so when I get blackout drunk I do the same to him. It's wrong.

I watched him cry that night, and thinking about it makes me cry. I am not like this sober; I worship the ground he walks on. I love him, but I just ruined our relationship. He won't speak to me, and I do not blame him. I am hoping once some time goes by he'll hear my apology. He did come back with me that night. I refused to look at him, so he turned my head and put his face close to mine. He kissed me and we ended up having sex. After, he asked to talk, but I drunkenly declined and told him to go. He reluctantly had his roommate pick him up. He said he knows that if he stayed, he would "wake up and see my pretty face and want to fix things."

It breaks my heart knowing I hurt someone I love so badly. I'm not a bad person – I constantly go out of my way for others. I love making my friends and family happy. So why is it that I treat my now ex-boyfriend so horribly when I drink so much? I really need help.

– I think I lost him for good

"I really need help."

Agreed. You need professional help, like real therapy. You need to talk about your drinking and your history of coping with emotional abuse. If you care about the people in your life – not just your ex, but also friends and family – you will get this help. Because there's no way your dangerous blackout behavior has only affected your ex-boyfriend. I would imagine that other people have worried about (and experienced) how you block out the world and have a "great time."

Your ex has no place in your life as you get this help. He set a boundary, which is great because you need it, too. You can't focus on fixing yourself if you're only interested in winning him back. Your goal needs to be learning how to be happy and healthy on your own. He can't be a part of the plan. (Also, he should be working on his own problems. Let's not forget that he's been terrible, too.)

If you don't know how to find a good therapist, tell your doctor what's going on and ask for recommendations. Start the process now.

– Meredith

Readers? What's the priority here?