I’ve threatened to ‘get it elsewhere’

I have been married for almost 10 years. I am in my mid-30s, and we have two children together. Over the past several months, I have expressed frustration with my spouse about what I perceive as a lack of sexual activity. We have sex about once every other week. My spouse explains that I should feel lucky with what I get, and to "ask my friends how much they get." I explain that it doesn't matter what their situation is because I am not them.

At times I have become very frustrated and mentioned that I will "get it elsewhere," which I don't really mean. I was married once before and had episodes of infidelity, which led to my guilt and eventual divorce. I would never want my children to have to go through their childhood knowing that their father was a womanizer and the reason for divorce. My wife enjoys intercourse with me, but when it is convenient for her. We understand that young children tend to drain our energy, and I understand that sex may be something that is last on her to-do list, but I am afraid that the norm will become once a month or worse. Any suggestions?

– Drought


My first suggestion is to stop saying things you don't mean. "I'll get it elsewhere" is a cruel threat. It's also not the kind of statement that's going to get you any sex.

Your wife enjoys being with you when it's convenient for her. For that reason, you should try to make her to-do list a little bit shorter. Can you get more childcare? Can you offer to get up early so she can sleep in? If she has more time to herself, she might have more energy for you. Also, try thinking of sex as something you do together, as opposed to something you "get." That change in philosophy might help.

If you find yourself focused on past infidelities, please talk to a professional about how to separate those experiences in your brain. This is a different marriage with unique issues. You're not doomed to repeat mistakes.

– Meredith

Readers? How should he approach this issue?