He keeps saying “I don’t know”

Hey Meredith,

Longtime reader here. I have been with my boyfriend for about five years now, all through college and now into our post-grad lives. We have recently started to discuss moving in together next September. This is something I have been wanting for some time now but wasn't sure if we were ready. Things now seem to be aligning perfectly for us to take this next step. But every time I try to talk to him about it and ask him how he feels about it, his response is always, "I don't know.” He says his biggest fears are no longer being "one of the guys," and how hard it would be if we were to break up. Which are absolutely legitimate concerns and have obviously crossed my mind as well. However I am willing to take that chance. But when I ask if he is, he continues to say, "I don't know."

I've told him more than once that if he really doesn't want to take this next step to just tell me and we can talk about it, because him dragging me along to just say no at the last minute would hurt me more than if he were to say no now. What I'm asking here is: How do I proceed? I want to continue having these conversations because I feel like it needs to be talked about. We both also have roommates who would need to figure out their own living situations, as well. I do not want to give him an ultimatum at all as I believe they only hurt relationships. But I do want a more concrete answer soon so that we can all plan our next steps accordingly. I'm worried that if I continue to bring this topic up we'll both get frustrated with each other and it will only make matters worse. But on the flip side, this isn't something that we can "table" forever.

– Ready to Take the Plunge


If he's not ready, he's not ready. He's being honest, which is a good thing.

Would it help hear his thoughts on a long-term plan? If he said, "Hey, I'd like a few years of post-grad life living on my own, but would love to reevaluate in a year," would you feel better? It might help to ask him open-ended questions about how he envisions the future. It would also help to table this discussion until the summer, when you're closer to September.

For the record, if you had sent this letter five years after college, I might agree that you need an answer. But for right now, "I don't know" makes sense. I might ask how you're so sure you do.

– Meredith

Readers? Should he have an answer now?