I snooped and now I’m jealous

I know, I know, this letter doesn't have an age on it. I'm going to change the letter form to ask for that specifically.

Hi Meredith,

I've been in constant turmoil over a situation and I need some advice. A little while ago I came upon some emails between my girlfriend and a male friend of hers. I know I shouldn't have been spying or snooping, but I couldn't help it. This male friend and my girlfriend had some very intimate conversations, nothing too sexual, but lots of flirting.

When I confronted her about it she admitted she liked him "more then a friend," but she begged for my forgiveness. I forgave her because we had been together for years and I love her. Since then, I have forgiven her but I'm still having a hard time getting over it. I remember seeing them together, and I don't think she's ever looked at me like she looked at him. I am very jealous of other male friends, including boyfriends of her friends. We still have fun together but something is always there. I don't know how she could like someone else while with me. What should I do?

– Jealous


I'm wondering what caused you to snoop in the first place. That's the missing detail here, and it's the one I want you to consider as you take your next steps. Did you check her email because you suspected she was cheating with this particular man? Did you snoop because you were feeling uneasy about the relationship, in general? If you went into those emails with a bad feeling about the state of the relationship, your problem is bigger than one specific guy.

For the record, it is possible to love someone and have a crush on someone else. Sometimes people test themselves and enjoy a flirtation without ever intending to cheat. But intentions don't matter if you can't stop yourself from being skeptical of every little thing, including other people's boyfriends. You need to think about why you can't let this go.

It's time to talk to this woman about why you're together, why you've both chosen this commitment, and how it feels to be exclusive after all this time. If that talk doesn't fix these feelings, you have to consider walking away.

- Meredith

Readers? What now?