I just broke up with my boyfriend because of his close "friendship" with his ex-wife. They have no children or business ties. We started a long-distance relationship and it was working ... then he told me he wanted me to meet her.
I asked him to show me their communication, and it turned out to be constant. She sent him pictures of meals she cooked (which he later told me were for him). And then there were fart jokes.
He told me he showed her my picture and that she said I was pretty. Later in the text, I read that she said I looked good "for my age." (I am in my mid-40s, he is 40, and she is in her 30s.)
I started to feel like they were mocking me and having an emotional affair. Then, last month, he posted pics on Facebook, and she commented with suggestive and flirty messages. I asked him to please delete her comments and unfriend her. I told him he could even say that I wasn't comfortable with it.
He did delete some of her comments but never unfriended her, and then hid his friends list. When I asked him about it, he said he didn't want to talk about it. He said it would be like a "punch in the stomach" to unfriend her.
In my email breaking up with him, I told him that I felt I was not the more important woman in his life. He told me I was, but yet he was unable to do this simple thing. It was almost like he had a shrine through Facebook of the time he was married to her, and their dynamic, for everyone to see. I told him it was non-negotiable and used the word ultimatum, so when it came to breaking up, I had no choice. Please tell me if I was being too jealous and unreasonable. The sad part is that we both really love each other.
The issue here is the ultimatum that led to the breakup. You went all in on the Facebook problem, but that was just one of the things that was bothering you about your ex's relationship with his former wife. Sure, it was the most public thing, but what if he had deleted her? Would you have made another ultimatum about fart texts? Would food pics have been next on the list?
The question you need to ask yourself is whether you made the decision before having all of the necessary information. Your letter implies that in the end, you never spent time with her. Perhaps getting to know her would have made it all OK. Distance can make things weird; it's so much easier when you can see what's happening in front of you.
If you know, deep down, that you wanted her gone no matter what, then the breakup is for the best. But if you're unsure, you can always call your ex and tell him how you feel. There's nothing wrong with forgetting the ultimatum to get the answers you need.
Readers? Is this over?