Falling for my boyfriend’s friend

We will chat today! (Sorry we couldn't yesterday.) Chat time is noon. Here.

Also, I'm still looking for updates from former letter writers. Send them to meredith.goldstein@globe.com. Write "update" in the subject line and include your original email address so I know it's you.

Also: Come to this tomorrow.

I have a real problem. I think I fell for my boyfriend's best friend. I love my boyfriend and admire him. He's my best friend and knows almost everything about me. He is attentive, willing to help me with anything, and is everything I could ever want. We do have our issues though. I'm 19, he's 22, and sometimes he talks to me like I'm a child. He's always able to make me laugh, but he's not very emotional, and sometimes I feel like I can't talk to him. I definitely find him attractive but he's not what I would call my type.

His best friend is pretty much the opposite of him. He's spontaneous, emotional, and we really connect. He's more my type: tall, athletic, and a redhead. My boyfriend works nights so the friend and I have spent a ton of time alone together. Nothing has ever happened, but we have spent a lot of time talking about our lives. We often get food together and fall asleep on the couch while watching movies.

His actions have led me to believe that he might have feelings for me, too. It's always very subtle, so maybe I'm just seeing what I want to see. It kills me not being able to tell him how I feel. My boyfriend and I are very committed and I can't hurt him, but I don't know what to do. We all basically live together so I can't escape this. Should I tell them or just struggle with it on my own? What if he's better for me than my guy? I don't want to look back and regret that I didn't say something.

– Having Feelings


You claim that this interaction is unavoidable, but ... do you really have to fall asleep on the couch with this guy? It's very possible to have a nice meal and then bail to see another friend or pass out elsewhere. You can set some specific boundaries – if you want them.

I understand the temptation to do nothing – because you've lined up a situation where you basically have two boyfriends. Your real boyfriend isn't everything you want, so you're getting your emotional intimacy elsewhere. Now it's clear you want some physical intimacy from this other person, too. You can wait this out a bit, maybe see if the feelings pass, but it sounds like your interest in this friend is only getting stronger.

That means it's time to make some difficult choices about your boyfriend. You can confess (to him and yourself) that you're not sure whether this romantic partnership is sustainable. Maybe your boyfriend will want to work to make it better. Maybe he'll admit he feels the same way. Just focus on talking to him about the relationship for now. No need to bring up his friend.

Please know, by the way, that breaking up with Boyfriend 1 does not mean you'll be able to swap him out for Boyfriend 2. It is very possible you'll lose them both. But at least you'll be able to seek out what you want. At least everyone will know what's real.

– Meredith

Readers? Should she confess? Is it possible for her to date the friend?