I don’t want her to be friends with that guy

Hi Meredith,

I have a great girlfriend. Everything is awesome and we have talked about moving in together. She does have a lot of male friends. I don't exactly love it, but I'm fine with her hanging out with them.

But there is one guy in particular who has always seemed more flirty. They also very briefly hooked up, before I was in the picture. I didn't make it an issue because they almost never communicated anymore.

A few months ago, though, this male friend texted my girlfriend some explicit messages. She told me about them a little while later. Said it was out of the blue. She said she told him to stop and that he did. However, he keeps wanting to hang out with her. She says she should just do it and get it over with so that he sees nothing is there. I don't want to be controlling, but I have a real issue with that. I'm OK with her other male friends, even ones she's hooked up with in the past, but not this dude. What should I do?

– Uncomfortable


I'm with you, Uncomfortable. I don't see why your girlfriend has to hang out with this guy to get him to leave her alone. If anything, she should be setting more boundaries.

I understand that you don't want to be a controlling partner or to forbid your girlfriend from seeing people in her life, but you can – and should – let her know what rules and boundaries you set for yourself. Explain that while you can accept and appreciate having a partner who has male friends, you have trouble feeling good about your girlfriend seeing a guy who doesn't respect her relationship. Does she understand why?

Talk to her about how this makes you feel, and ask her how she'd want you to handle this if the tables were turned. Maybe there's a compromise (seeing him in a group, as a couple).

It might also help to understand her goals for this friendship. Does she want to keep him in her life, and if so, how? Maybe if you know what she's looking for, you'll feel better about her choices.

– Meredith

Readers? Should the letter writer be OK with her seeing this guy?