My ex-husband might be dating my friend

If you're a former letter writer and would like to send an update, please email it to meredith.goldstein@globe.com with "update" in the subject line. Tell us how it all worked out and whether we were a help. Include your original email address so I know it's you.

I have a best friend of almost 10 years, and, separately, an ex-husband of 13 years. I got my best friend got a job working for my ex-husband and I thought I was doing the right thing. She was jobless, stressed about money, and would lose her house. He had a job opening and needed someone trustworthy.

Up until this point, he and I had remained friends (we share one child). We didn't argue and co-parented well. I thought my friend would work for him for a few months while she looked for a different job. That didn't happen. She has now worked for him for more than a year. She stopped talking to me without giving me a reason a couple of months ago. My daughter said that she has seen my best friend at my ex-husband's house on different occasions. Also, I just found out that they are both on a trip together. My ex-husband lied about who he went with, and she and I haven't talked, so I guess she hasn't lied to me. I am heartbroken. I feel betrayed by my friend. I am not sure why she would just stop talking to me. I also feel betrayed by my ex. I feel that in a way he has stolen my friend.

I would normally talk to her about something like this. Since I don't have her, I really don't have anyone else to talk to. Should I feel this sad about this?

– Betrayed


This isn't a love letter, really. You're devastated that your ex stole your friend, but it sounds like you can live with the fact that your friend stole your ex. That's good news – because it means you can probably deal with them as a couple (if that's what they are), as long as they're good to you.

Your best bet is to call your friend and tell her what you've heard. Then explain that you miss her and want to save the friendship. Because that's true, right? If she won't respond to calls, send a good email. Then you'll have done your part.

Either way, let your ex know that it's always better to keep you in the loop. Your daughter should never be the one in the middle.

Please know that even if you have a great conversation with your friend and mend your broken relationship, she might prefer to maintain some boundaries when it comes to your ex. It might be difficult for her to share every detail of her life because of how you fit into the story. That's understandable.

It would be great if you could lean on some other friends in the future. The important stuff shouldn't always fall to one person anyway.

– Meredith

Readers? Should she reach out? Should she tell the ex she knows what's happening? What is the priority relationship here?