My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years and we live together. Lately, our sex life has diminished to close to nothing. He tells me that his drive is gone because he has gained weight.
While I've noticed this, my attraction and desire for him hasn't changed. I don't care about the weight gain. I love him and I love the way he looks. The times I've tried to initiate usually follow with, "I'm too tired," "Tomorrow morning," or "Not right now." Does it ever happen the next morning? No. I'm starting to lose my mind.
Aside from buying new outfits or trying new things, I have talked to him about how I'm feeling. I have told him that sex is important to our relationship and that this change isn't fair to me. I've asked if he's seeing someone else. He obviously wouldn't admit it to me, but I have an awful feeling he's cheating. Because who is he being intimate with if it's not me? Or maybe the weight gain has lowered his sex drive and I'm being unreasonable.
Now when I press him for sex, he tells me I am putting too much pressure on him. He says I nag him. He says I'm ridiculous and that as a woman, my sex drive is too high. When he does pursue me, I feel as though I'm desperate and that he's doing it so I will stop "nagging" him. It doesn't feel real anymore. He feels like a stranger. I guess I'm just hoping that my worst fears aren't real. That he isn't cheating. That his weight gain has everything to do with it. Or maybe I'm just trying to convince myself that we aren't over.
– My Drive
Your sex drive is not "ridiculous." In Love Letters, we've heard from many women who are more interested in sex than the men in their lives. The whole "men think about sex ever minute of the day" narrative has messed with a lot of people.
Knowing that, your big fear shouldn't be cheating. Your boyfriend put on weight and now "feels like a stranger." Instead of focusing on how that's affecting you, why don’t you talk about his health? Is he depressed? Does he have medical concerns, in general? The right question to ask might be: "How are you doing?" Maybe he hasn't even thought about it.
Right now, you're trapped in a cycle of you wanting sex, him feeling pressure to make it happen, and you feeling rejected, even when he initiates. Break the routine by changing the conversation. Take yourself out of the center of this for a bit and find out if he's OK.
Readers? Does this change mean he's cheating?