My girlfriend and I are in our early 20s. We have been dating for 10 months and I would like to have sex, but she keeps telling me she wants to wait until marriage. I am a virgin, she is not. For religious reasons, she has decided sex should be something you do after marriage. Even though she made the mistake of having sex with boyfriends in the past, she says that having sex now would be going against her Christian faith, and had decided to wait.
It hurts me because I've done more for her than her exes, but they shared something intimate with her that I may never experience. Don't get me wrong, I don't go above and beyond for her because I want sex; it's because I love her. My girlfriend is wonderful. She's everything I could imagine a great girlfriend would be. But it bothers me that she's had sexual experiences with other people and I have not.
I'm afraid that if we do get married, I might wonder what it would be like to be with another woman because she has been with other guys. I don't want to leave her. This is my first real relationship. She reminds me all the time that I'm not the first boyfriend she didn't have sex with.
My questions: 1. How can I stop thinking about her sexual past and what she did with other men? 2. Knowing that this is my first relationship, how can I stop feeling as though I'm missing out on something? 3. Is it right/fair for her to wait for marriage even though she's already had sex before, and I'm the one who will be saving myself? 4. I really like this girl. Is there any way I can stay in this relationship and have my needs met?
I'll do these out of order, if you don't mind.
2. At this point in the relationship, if you feel like you're missing out on something, you probably are. I know you love her, but she's your first girlfriend. It's time to think about finding a second.
3. Yes, it's fair for her to wait until marriage. She does not owe you sex because she's had it before and you haven't. She has every right to set boundaries, and if you don't like them, you can walk away.
1. You might stop thinking about her sexual past if you stayed focused on what you want for your own sexual and romantic future. Think about what kind of partner would be a better match. That will help you put your girlfriend in perspective.
4. I know you want me to say that there's a way to stay with her and have your needs met, but ... I can't. Sorry. It's not just about the sex (although that’s a big part of it), it's also about what guides your relationship and how decisions are made. Her life philosophies don't match yours, and at this point, it seems to be all or nothing. It's time to move on.
Readers? Is it time to end this?