My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year and a half. We moved in together about a month ago, and everything was perfect. However, he has started hanging out with this group of guys all of the time. They're from his law enforcement training program. He recently started going out with them a lot, and I thought it was fine; I understand that he needs time away from me. The issue is that the gets so drunk he often doesn't remember parts of the night. There were pictures of him with his arm around another girl, who might be one of his friends but also might not. I also found Tinder installed on his phone after one of these nights out. When I asked him about it, he said that all of the guys were "showing their friend how it worked and downloaded the app and stood in a circle playing on it."
I want to trust him but it is really taking up space in my head. I want to respect his privacy and I honestly wasn't even going through his phone — I had turned off an alarm and there was a notification. When he's not around his friends, things with us are fine, but I am nervous about what happens the next time he goes out with this crowd. I love him a lot but it feels like this is putting an unnecessary strain on us, and I don't want to come off as clingy or crazy. I've asked him about maybe joining him for one of these nights out, but he says he prefers to keep things separate because these friends (who are from his program) are not like his friends from college. Is this something I should be concerned about or just let go for now? He doesn't graduate until next spring so odds are this "good ole' boys club" will continue on for quite some time.
– New Friends
You're not crazy or clingy. You want him to be safe, and that is not unreasonable. Also, you'd like him to stay off dating apps, which makes sense. Tinder is not Tetris. It is not a game.
It's a good time to make it clear that you won't put up with this in your shared home. His drunken nights aren't just about him; they turn you into someone who has to worry and check up after him. They turn you into someone who has to worry about herself, which is no good.
It does sound like the bonding with these guys might be temporary – a training program thing. But what happens if he works with some of these people after graduation? It's best to let him know now that this could be a deal-breaker – because it sort of already is. He's destroying the trust in this relationship. It's hard to come back from that.
Readers? Is this a temporary problem?