I met a man seven months ago. We're both in our 70s. He told me immediately that he has been separated from his wife for 10 years and has had one other relationship since. He wanted to be totally honest with me. On several occasions he has invited me to family events that included his "wife," who is completely aware of our relationship. FYI: She has lived very far away since they have been separated.
He tells me all the time that he's in love with me, I'm perfect for him, and that he wants to move in with me. His whole family embraces me with such friendliness whenever we get together, even when the "wife" is present. He says no one holds anything against me or says anything negative about our relationship. His grown children appear to be very comfortable with the situation.
He has told me he sees no reason to get a divorce. I'm not clear on why, although it appears to me that he just doesn't want to pay for an attorney and go through the process when it doesn't matter to him. I'm traditional and feel odd about it. So do my own children. My son has said that I am in an adulterous affair.
I love this man and he makes me very happy. I'm not sure I would ever marry again anyway, but should I continue to see him? Or give him an ultimatum?
– He's still married
No ultimatums, please. And tell your son to back off. There are no secrets here – you've even met this man's wife. Your son should be more concerned with your happiness than the divorce paperwork.
You should continue to see this man because you love each other, and that's fantastic. But it is time to have a talk with him about why his marital status makes you feel weird. Maybe your discomfort will inspire him get a divorce. It's possible that he's never had a strong reason to consider it.
Overall, this man's arrangement doesn't raise any big red flags, but everything changes if you decide to move in together. If you're sharing a home, you need to understand the finances and feel like the primary partner. You have to be comfortable doing things like getting the mail (I assume it's still addressed to his wife).
Have a discussion about how living together would work, and how his marriage might affect that next big step.
Readers? Is this arrangement OK?