I'm looking for updates from former letter writers for the holidays. Was our advice helpful? Did everything work out? We want to know, and we like closure.
Email your update today to Meredith.Goldstein@Globe.com and put "update" in the subject line.
I'm a 39-year-old man and have just come out of a 10 year relationship. I'm still friends with my ex-fiancée and really want her to go on and have a nice life. What is concerning me is the fact that I really value fidelity in a relationship and am uncomfortable with the dating scene. It seems to be the norm that you might be dating three or four people at a time – hedging your bets so to speak. Prior to now, I've always been a friend or a colleague of someone before dating them, which means I'm not used to first, app-based get-to-know-you dates. I'm just very emotionally uncomfortable with the idea of seeing more than one person at a time.
I'm finding it difficult to convince women that this is a core value. So many of them have dealt with cheating and are distrustful. When we get to the subject of fidelity and talk about our past relationships, women tend to think I'm just delivering lines or telling them what they want to hear. I still very much believe in the idea of falling in love with someone. I haven't met anyone who's quite made me feel that way yet, but I definitely have met a couple of women who I could see developing a relationship with.
Am I taking things too seriously? Should I just chill out? Any practical advice would be great, and I would kill for women's points of view on this matter. When I explained my views on fidelity to one of my dates, she thought I was so full of it because she's heard this all before and has been hurt in the past. I'm not perfect, and am not saying I'm an ideal partner, but on the issue of fidelity, I could never look a woman in the eye if I cheated on her. It just doesn't sit well with me and I want someone who feels the same way.
– In the UK
You're conflating two things here, so let's separate them.
The first thing you're upset about is dating – that so many people seek out multiple dates at the same time. That can make any individual first date seem less special, for sure, but it's not so different than how you found love 10 years ago. You say you met people at work or as friends before dating them, which means you were probably getting to know them while you were getting to know others. Dating around with an app isn't so different. You take your time getting to know someone, and, when you're ready, you have a conversation about exclusivity and what it would mean to be a couple.
Fidelity is another matter, and I'm here to tell you that you're not the only person who believes in it. Cheating happens, and yes, many single people on apps have been wronged, but it's not the thing that kills all relationships. It's possible that these women think you're full of it because you're bringing up cheating and fidelity with such great passion on a first or second dates. You might be protesting too much, and it seems disingenuous. The next time cheating comes up on a date, just say you don't like it and move on.
Readers? Your opinions on this?