I've been with my boyfriend for almost six months now, and it's the real deal – serious. We love each other very much and we're happy whenever we're together. The only problem is this other woman he almost dated.
They were close to starting a relationship about six months before we got together, but for a number of reasons, they didn't. I've always been suspicious of this relationship or, as he calls it, this "friendship" – and it seems that I was right to be.
One day, he left his phone out and I couldn't help myself. I checked his Snapchat and he had saved his messages with her. He had sent her messages about how he couldn't wait to go on a night out with her, and she said she was worried about what I would think. He replied, and I quote, "She's not my boss. And it's not as if we slept together, which was a big mistake on my part."
To me, that seems like he was thinking about having sex with her. It seemed like flirting.
I confronted him about it, and he was adamant that it wasn't flirting, and that he wasn't saying he regretted not sleeping with her. This was about two weeks ago and I haven't stopped thinking about it since. Can I trust him? I love him too much to leave him over something that I could have overreacted about ... so do you think I overreacted ... or is he just a cheating time bomb waiting to happen?
He said in the message that not sleeping with her was a "big mistake" on his part, so yeah, I think there's some flirting here. (Sorry.)
I'll assume you also might be upset that he didn't tell you he was making plans to see her. You're not the boss of him – he's right about that – but he could have told you about this plan, just to be kind. Keeping it a secret caused a bigger mess.
My assumption is that he is testing himself with this woman and that he does think about the what-ifs. Does that mean you have to break up with him? I don't know. Sometimes, at the start of relationships, people push themselves to see what they really want. Not everyone is 100 percent committed six months in. Many long-term couples will admit that they survived mistakes, temptations, and hurtful behavior. They'll tell you it took some time to learn how to define their own style of commitment.
If you don't know how you feel about the state of things with your boyfriend, give yourself some time. Your gut will eventually get you to the right answer, and while you wait, please stay away from his phone.
Readers? Can they get past this?