‘I have nightmares about being abandoned by him’

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I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for over two years now, and it has been incredible. Of course we have our tiffs and moments of disagreement, but it has been an awesome two years, and hopefully there are many more to come.

Before this, I was in an incredibly unstable relationship in college, with a lot of infidelity and insecurity. Now I can look back and acknowledge that it was an immature relationship with a guy who wanted to experience college the way be believed it was meant to be experienced. I was broken up with more times than I can count for reasons such as "not being ready for a relationship" or "just wanting to be single while we are young." He always came crawling back during a moment of weakness and would change his mind.

My new relationship is the polar opposite. In the two years I have been dating my current boyfriend, we haven’t once wavered in our commitment or feelings for one another, and I feel so secure. My issue is the feelings of fear and insecurity that still resonate in my mind from the past; I have nightmares about being abandoned by him. I also have moments of vulnerability where I wonder if I will feel the same shock and heartbreak that I have felt in the past.

I do not know what the right way of communicating this to him would be, or if there even is a right way. The issue I run into is making him feel offended, because in his eyes (and mine) he has not given me a reason to question his intentions. I'm not sure if it’s just a lack of closure from my past that keeps me feeling the fears I have in the present, or if it is just a given that anyone would be hesitant to feel fully secure with the one they love.

I hate the fears and how they could come between me and my current significant other.

– Doubts


You're not supposed to be 100 percent confident about a relationship all of the time. The average long-term partnership involves doubt and insecurity, hopefully balanced by excitement, joy, and the best kinds of intimacy. When you have something nice, it's natural to be afraid to lose it.

Instead of spending too much time with these negative feelings, train yourself to see them for what they are: evidence that you appreciate what you have. I don't see any need for you to make a massive disclosure to your boyfriend about your doubts. If you want to talk about the future and share your fears, that's fine, but don't put him in the position of having to prove anything. He already has, just by showing up.

Also know that some of this anxiety represents your concern about how much you can trust yourself. Years ago, you allowed this ex-boyfriend to come back into your life whenever it suited him. He had moments of weakness, but so did you. Now you know more, and you wouldn't allow that to happen again. You should feel confident that if someone tried to break up with you many times, you'd tell them to walk away. Let that make you feel safe.

– Meredith

Readers? Thoughts?