I'm writing to you with the hope that you can give me some objective advice. I'm a 24-year-old woman in London who's been with my French boyfriend for more than three years. We met on holiday and fell in love. We spent one year doing long distance.
After one year, we decided we couldn't be apart any longer. Him moving to London wasn't an option because he has a daughter and owns a business. I got a French tutor, a job offer near him, and I accepted without hesitation because it meant we could be together.
Fast forward almost two years, and I'm having a really hard time. Even though I speak the language now, I've found it hard to make real friends (I guess nothing compares to close friendships back home; my girlfriends are like sisters there). I've also found that there's really a glass ceiling at my company. Although I love my job, that scares me. We also moved outside of the city. At least in the city it was buzzy, lots to do. It just makes me feel a lot older than my age.
I've told my boyfriend that I'm not really that happy living in a village, but he reminds me that this is part of the greater financial plan. He is honestly one of the most lovely people in this world. So caring, affectionate, loving. And I know I'm lucky to have him (my mum loves him) and I'm scared to let this go. I'm feeling isolated, even though I have good friends at work. A lot of his friends are older, in their 30s with kids, like him. He also doesn't speak much English, so when he's home with me, I do the translating. I wish he'd make an effort to learn the language – like I did for him. I feel like it's often me making all of the sacrifices. We have recently been arguing A LOT. We had a public argument where he seemed to think that I ignored him on purpose to irritate him. He was embarrassed that other people saw and told me that I had absolutely no respect. He was screaming and shouting at me.
We recently had another terrible fight about something I forgot to do – he was furious with me. The next day, I went to work and told the company I would take an open post in London. I decided it was a way to avoid turning back on my decision. But fast forward a week, and I regret everything. He has begged me to stay, and I love him with all of my heart. He said that we will move nearer the city center next year ... but I'm just so lost. I miss my family and friends in London. I miss my girlfriends. The more I think about it, the more I worry about what will happen when I have children and want the support of my parents. He can't move to London. We do love each other so much, and but feel like time is running out.
– London bound
He is offering you a specific kind of life – one that follows a plan that's best for him. You love him – I believe that – but that doesn't mean you want to be a part of his plan.
You do not want to live in the suburbs. You are homesick and miss your friends. You see a future in London, and want to have kids near your parents. How will that work if he won't be able to join you?
You accepted the job transfer so that you wouldn't be able to go back on your decision to leave. Trust your gut and know you made that choice for many reasons.
Going home will also give you a sense of what you've been missing. You might picture yourself returning to London as you left it, but some single friends might be married. Others will have new priorities. Try to get a sense of what a new life there might be like.
Tell your boyfriend the truth about where you are with this. It's confusing and you love him, but you can't commit to the life he's mapped out for himself. You need space - back home – to figure out your next steps. Right now, that's all you know.
Readers? Should she go back to London or give this another chance?