My fiancé was recently contacted by his ex-girlfriend on Facebook Messenger. At first, she said it was a mistake – that she messaged the wrong person – but later on in the day she messaged him again. He started talking to her, and he told me that this was happening.
I trust him. But then something weird happened. They messaged each other yesterday, all day, while I was working.
When he went to go outside and he wouldn't have computer access, she gave him her phone number and he programmed it into his phone. I only know this because he told me. He even showed me where he plugged in her number and what it was saved under. He didn't offer to show me any of the messages. After that, we ate dinner and went back to the bedroom to watch funny YouTube videos.
She messaged him the entire time that we were awake. I would look back and see that he had hit another message on his phone because he was texting her back. He told me that she said that she wanted closure for their breakup that happened three years ago. She is the reason for that breakup; she broke up with him without giving him a proper reason, but the real reason was that she was cheating on him and he knew it. She told him that she just wants to talk. It seems like a win-win situation for everyone right?
But I feel extremely uneasy about this. I feel uncomfortable that he's texting her, and a little betrayed. Maybe the word I'm looking for is "hurt." Whenever I express this feeling in the slightest – with a facial expression, for example – he will tell me that if I don't trust him, I can leave. I feel like if I ask him not to text her, that is showing him I don't trust him. I don't know how I should feel about the situation. Is this normal? Should I back off? What should I do?
It's not uncommon for exes to have conversations about closure, even years after a breakup. Sometimes the talks go on longer than they should. That's OK.
The thing that bothers me about your fiancé's behavior is that it's sort of rude. Sure, he can have a conversation with his ex, but ... while you're watching YouTube videos? Right in the middle of quality time? It's not OK for him to be checking his phone all night. To me, it's less about basic jealousy and more about respect. His transparency about the situation is great, but it doesn't entitle him to do whatever, whenever, when it's your time, too.
The other issue here is that he went straight from "I need to talk to my ex" to "If you don’t like it, get out." He should to acknowledge that even if you're 100 percent supportive, it's not easy to watch your very significant other communicate with an ex. He can't expect you to high-five him for the interaction. More importantly, he should not be throwing out ultimatums or ordering you away. If you have a talk, make it about that.
Readers? Should she back off? Should these messages continue?