This is officially pre-order kick-off week for "Can't Help Myself," the Love Letters book, which comes out April 3. To celebrate, we'll be doing reveals (including the Table of Contents, which I think you will enjoy) and a giveaway of an early copy. All of it starts tomorrow, just in time for Valentine's Day.
After dating my boyfriend for a year, we moved in together four months ago. I'm 31, but this has been my first relationship. I had confidence issues in my 20s.
The first month of living together was good. We had fun setting up a new place. But during the second month, I started having some serious anxiety/doubts. This is such a big life change for me. I essentially had a meltdown in front of him. I told him that I needed to move out, that we'd rushed into this, and that I'd made a big mistake. It broke his heart, but he was ready to let me do what I needed to be happy.
Now we are still living together and I am in therapy. It's helped my me deal with the anxiety, and there are moments where I feel excited for the relationship. But I have moments of doubt, when I start questioning nearly everything. My boyfriend is such a great guy – incredibly patient, understanding, caring, hilarious, and smart. I'm 100 percent myself around him, and our communication about everything – including this – has been very open. But is it because he's more of a friend than a boyfriend? I know I could financially recover from a break up, but it would be hard on him.
Is any of this normal? I've read so many articles of people "just knowing" when their significant others were the one. I haven't had those feelings, nor do I have past experiences for context. Does it even matter that I have moments of excitement if they're mixed with these doubtful thoughts? Or am I letting the doubt consume me and not giving the relationship a chance to grow?
– Moved in
If you had significant doubts about the relationship before moving in, please talk about them in therapy. Explore what feelings (or lack thereof) might have given you pause back then, and why you felt like you were ready to take the next step anyway.
But if most of this anxiety started after the new living arrangement, please understand that this adjustment takes time. It is a big life change, and even if you're confident that you're going to spend the rest of your life with someone, sharing space isn't easy. It takes more than four months to get used to a new kind of home.
Please know that the best way to figure this out is to stop pressuring yourself to have all the answers right this second. You and your boyfriend didn't move in together with immediate plans to get married. It doesn't sound like there was any expectation for another step anytime soon. Cohabitation is a big deal, but it's not a forever promise. Try to focus on whether you can come home every day and enjoy spending time with the person you love.
Readers? Is this anxiety part of the move-in experience?