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My boyfriend and I have been dating for two months. He is so sweet to me, and he treats me like the queen of the universe. I am in my 20s, and this is my first official relationship. He was previously in a four-year relationship.
The dilemma here seems to be that he knows how to be in a relationship and is pretty accustomed to not being single, while I am just the opposite. I have a lot of friends, some of which are guys. None of these relationships have ever had any sort of romantic tendencies, but he does not see it that way. He thinks all guys want is sex, and he "knows" this because he is a guy.
To make matters worse, when he and I first started talking (we had gone on one date and were not official), I had a night out with some of my friends. One of those male friends made an inappropriate, drunken comment to me, which I responded to by telling him that I found it inappropriate. That same night, one of those guys kissed me. Why this happened, I have not even the slightest clue considering I had not seen him for a long time, and I have no interest in pursuing a friendship with him, much less a romantic relationship. I was completely honest with my now-boyfriend about it. I did feel bad about what happened because even though the relationship was new, I was hoping we might actually keep seeing each other.
Fast forward to now. I asked my boyfriend if he would like to go to an event at a local bar one night this week, and he said yes. He asked me who else would be at the event. I told him I had asked a few girlfriends and one guy friend if they would be interested in going with us. This is when things turned not so good. He got really upset that I had invited this guy friend. To make a very long story short, he basically reiterated the fact that he does not want me spending time with my male friends or even talking to them. It all goes back to that night that the one friend made an inappropriate comment to me and another kissed me.
I just do not think it's fair for him to ask me to cut off all contact with my male friends. I also think it's really unfair to continue to hold that night against me, especially since we were not even official at the time.
I feel like if I mess up or say something that upsets him, he is going to break up with me. He always says "you can go hang out with your friends if you want to, but I don't like it, and eventually it will probably be what ends us." I am trying to get him to get to know my friends so maybe he will feel more comfortable and confident, but I feel like he has made up his mind and is unwilling to listen to anything I have to say about it. I do not want to break up with him, nor do I feel like that is the solution. I feel this would be a really stupid reason to end a really great relationship. However, I do think there has to be a better way so that we are both comfortable with the situation. What do you suggest I do?
– Feeling Fragile
"I feel this would be a really stupid reason to end a really great relationship."
Eh ... maybe not. If your boyfriend sees every man in your life as a potential threat, and doesn't trust you enough to make decisions for yourself, it is a deal-breaker. In fact, it's a big one.
It makes sense that he's a little uneasy about your friends' intentions because of the comment and the kiss, but he should be open to learning more. He should also believe that you're the boss of your own decisions. Even if all of your male friends did secretly love and want you, it would still be up to you to date them. You have chosen to be with your boyfriend. That should be enough.
Your best bet is to be clear about your needs and expectations as you continue this relationship. You can tell him that you care about his feelings, but that you will always be someone who has a variety of friends and looks to make new ones. You are also someone who has great respect for your relationship. When you're in, you're in, and he should trust that you'll make decisions accordingly.
If he can't let it go, that will be the thing that ends you.
Readers? Ideas for making this work?