My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and three months. We split up in the middle due to distance, however we got back together and are now living in the same place.
On Valentine's Day, I noticed a notification on his phone from his ex-fiancée. They broke up three years ago. It led me to look into it further, and I found that he has been messaging her pretty much the whole time we have been back together.
She's in a different country, so I know he isn't physically cheating, but I found messages of him saying he "misses her." They have been scheduling video calls, there are messages with him talking about how he had a dream about her ... and then I found a happy Valentine's Day message sent by him.
I hate that I went snooping, but when I saw her name and the message, it left me with such a horrible feeling that I had to see what was up. I'm not sure what to do. We had a messy breakup before and he put a lot of effort into getting back together, but lately I have felt that he's not working as hard to maintain our relationship. I don't want to lose him, but I feel kind of like a second option at the minute, as opposed to a priority, which was what I felt like before. Any help and advice would be amazing. Thank you.
– Second option
At this point, you might as well tell him you snooped. Just be prepared to deliver the news with an apology. You should make it clear that you understand that you violated his privacy. Let him know that he's entitled to have his own life, with messages you never know about.
Then explain that you went investigating – despite knowing better – because you had doubts about the relationship. Now you're stuck with this information and have to ask: Do these messages mean that he'd rather be with someone else? Do they have anything to do with his level of interest? Hopefully this will lead you into a conversation about how you're doing now that you're back together.
A question to consider as you discuss: How hard should the two of you be working to maintain what you have? It shouldn't feel like a great effort all the time. For the most part, it's supposed to be fun and easy – two words that don't appear in your letter.
Talk it through – and good luck.
Readers? Should the LW confess to the snoop?