He made plans to move without warning

I met a favorite commenter for the first time at the reading last night. Was beyond starstruck.

After a year of long-distance dating (we met online), including monthly visits, my boyfriend moved here from out of state. He said he would give it a year to see if he could handle being away from family. He got a job here immediately, which he hated from the start.

Four months later, he came home and announced he'd quit his job, taken back his old job in his home state, and told them he'd be there in three weeks. I was so hurt and angry that he would make this decision without me that I said: "Why wait three weeks? Get the [expletive] out." And he did.

While I don't think a committed partner would have done this, I feel guilty that maybe I overreacted and drove him out. Even then, I gave him the opportunity to reconsider, but his mind was made up. He said it was just like he was being deployed. He expected me to wait for him to come back in another year.

By the way, he could have afforded not to work for several months and stayed to chill and get his head together, including taking several nice vacations we had planned. I think he just got homesick and bailed at the first chance he got. My telling him to get out made it that much easier for him. Thoughts?

– Gone


You didn't drive him out; you just told him to leave three weeks early. Please don't punish yourself for your reaction to his bad news.

From the start, you were excited to have him in town, but seemed to understand that it was going to be a difficult transition. Even if he'd been desperate to move away from family, it would have taken him a long time to adjust to a new job, community, and routine. He's the one who moved without understanding how long it might take for a new place to feel like home. He's also the one who made choices without you. You had every reason to be hurt and angry because he left you out of every equation.

This relationship might have worked online and long-distance for a year, but it's not great in person. He doesn't share your priorities, and he has a very different take on what it means to have a partner. Be done with him and start thinking about what's next.

– Meredith

Readers? Thoughts on the letter writer's reaction?