I found a card to her ex-lover

We'll be off tomorrow and will do some updates after that. Have a good holiday.

My wife had an affair almost 30 years ago with a married man that lasted several years. During that time I found several letters and cards that I copied and saved just in case.

Fast forward to now and I found a birthday card to him on her desk. I positioned it so it would be evident I'd seen it, hoping it would lead to a conversation. After several weeks of no response, I asked her about it. She denied writing it, knowing anything about it.

I now struggle with trust all over again. What advice can you offer? He lives several states away but that did not stop anything physical and emotional the last time.

– Greetings


The birthday card isn't the worst thing in the world. Maybe she was daydreaming about him (it happens), or heard something about his life and wanted to send some benign thing to let him know she still cares.

I'm not saying any of that is great for you, but sometimes, instead of googling exes, people send cards. Life is complicated.

The bigger issue is that she denied that she did it. It sounds a bit like gaslighting; you saw a card on your wife’s desk, written in her handwriting and addressed to her ex-lover (right?), and she told you she had no idea what you were talking about. It would have been so much better for her to ask for privacy than to deny that it happened.

My advice is to approach the conversation again, and to tell her how it’s making you feel to be dismissed. It's easier to trust her intentions if she acknowledges that the card existed.

Also, if this ever happens again, just bring her the evidence. The passive-aggressive "I see you!" display of the card clearly didn't work for anyone.

– Meredith

Readers? Should the LW let this go? Is there any reason to think the affair is back on?