My husband said he’s not ready to be married

My husband and I have been going through a rough time financially. We both work full time, but his choices have hindered us. We have a daughter. About a month ago, he sat me down and said he was going through a lot. He said he was "depressed" and that he wasn't ready to be married and have a family, and would rather get a divorce.

Some background: We've been married for three years and have a 2-year-old. He has a child from his previous relationship. We both ended our previous relationships and got together and married – and then pregnant – really quickly. I am 24 and he is 28.

We have had issues with cheating and him Snapchatting other women. I tried to overlook those problems. Now we have been separated for about a month and he's already started a new relationship with a coworker. This other woman had the audacity to reach out to me and tell me that she tried to convince him to stay in the marriage (by sleeping with him??). I told her to mind her business. She has continued to stalk my social media.

Another important fact: An old friend of mine reached out to me and he said that he's had feelings for me. He's got a good job and takes care of his family. Something I wish my husband did. I do have feelings for this man, but he is still with the mother of his children, and we agreed that we should concentrate on our own families.

My husband and I are finally approaching the end of our lease, and I know he can't afford anything on his own. He may or may not ask to continue to live with me. Would it be too much to make demands if that happens? If he lives with us, I’d want the following things: No other women in the house, no phone after 10 p.m., be home by 10 p.m. (unless he's at work), sign papers to refuse any benefits in case I die, and issue a public apology, since he and his girlfriend began posting about each other not long after the split. Are my conditions fair? Am I wasting my time? Should I be trying harder with my husband? Should I wait for the other guy?

– Questioning


The healthiest option for you and your husband is to live separately. Very separately. That option is expensive – as is divorce, in general – so you need to figure out how it would work. Have you met with a financial expert to talk about money? If not, it's time. You can address issues like benefits while you're there. Your husband is already moving on, which means you should work out a plan that gives you some consistency.

If your husband must stay with you (temporarily, I hope), you should come up with rules together. All of your terms should revolve around your daughter, as opposed to your own hurt feelings. Consider what's best for her and then make your list. Something tells me that a public apology on social media won't help her – or anyone. Really, who would that be for? Would it really improve your situation or make you feel better?

As for the old friend, it's best to let him go. His interest should remind you that you're desirable and can find other partners. There are uncoupled people out there who are in a better place to get to know you when you're ready.

For now, focus on making a good life for you and your child. There should be no rush for more.

– Meredith

Readers? What do you think of the rules?