My ex is on my mind – and in my dreams

Newtonville tonight. If you didn't read "Interview With The Vampire," that's OK. Vaguely remembering the movie is good enough. We'll talk about vampire marriages, etc.

Dear Meredith,

I've been stuck in my thoughts for a few weeks now and it all started because of a dream I had. I've been with my boyfriend for about a year now. We've had ups and downs in the past, but we worked everything out and are in a great place right now.

So this dream I mentioned. It was about my ex-boyfriend from three years ago who I have not spoken to or thought about in a while. I remember this dream so vividly. We went on vacation together and it seemed like we were dating again – like nothing ever went wrong. Some info to know about this ex: I was very young when we dated, and I blame myself for the relationship ending. We used to work together, and for the remaining time we worked together after the breakup, he acted as if I was not there, and continued to act this way whenever we saw each other in person.

Two days ago – this was after the dream – I stopped in at my old job (we do not work there anymore) and I see him for the first time in about a year and a half. Crazy part is he actually said hello to me and started almost flirting with me. So now I exist to him? I'm stuck in my thoughts because first, I have the dream out of nowhere, and then I see him and he's acting different and noticing me now. I feel like the door never closed with my ex and I will admit I do still have feelings for him. After three years, I realized he was the best guy for me; I just wasn't ready to settle down because I was too young (he's a few years older).

I'm now in my 20s, graduated college, have learned from my past mistakes, and have started a good job. I feel like I want something serious now, but I don't see things getting much more serious with my current boyfriend. I just want your advice about what I should do. I can't stop thinking about my ex. I want to text him but I'm just stuck in my thoughts.

– Stuck


If you're looking for a serious relationship but don't want that with your boyfriend, it’s probably time to break up with him. Just know that the decision shouldn't be part of a plan to get back together with your ex. There are no guarantees that your former boyfriend is available to you now.

It's very possible that your ex was kind to you because he's finally over it. Maybe he has accepted that it was time for the two of you to move on. It's also possible that he's no longer looking for anything serious. Again, you know very little about what he wants and where his experiences have taken him.

The more important thing to think about right now is your current relationship and if/when you should walk away. Some wise commenters say that when letter writers avoid telling us nice things about their partners, it's a choice. Your letter says a lot about your ex, but all you shared about your boyfriend is that you’re in a "great place" with him. You should spend some time thinking about what that means.

As you consider whether you want to be on your own – because that’s the alternative here – remember that dreams don't have to be taken literally. My friend Sara had a dream last week that I was waxing her eyebrows. She texted me about it, and it was clear to me that it was a dream about platonic partnership. Or stress. I don’t know. The point is, it wasn't about waxing.

You might think the universe is sending you a sign. But I think you're sending it to yourself.

– Meredith

Readers? Should the LW text the ex?