Should I go to the wedding?

Dear Meredith,

Where to begin. My boyfriend and I have been together for two years. We started seeing each other a couple of months after his girlfriend (now ex) C moved to another country for a year. However, this woman is always going to be in his life. His best friend and her best friend are getting married soon, and he's in the wedding. I have never met her, and he's told me in the past that he does not want me in the same room as her, as it would be awkward for him.

It's been two years, and I have had very limited contact with his friends. When we first started dating, he said one of his friends asked him, "When are you going to get rid of her? You know C is coming back right?" I do not think they like me or want anything to do with me, and even if they did want to get to know me, that friendship would be fake. I feel betrayed through all of this. I want to go to that wedding but I do not want to face his friends or his ex-girlfriend. I do not feel welcomed. We have had several fights about this and he has invited me to different events with his friends during the last couple of months, but I make excuses not to go. You can see why I would be so hesitant to go. He says he does not care about his ex and that his friends do like me, but I can't let go of the past and everything that has happened.

Should I attend this wedding? His parents are going and I would feel like a jerk for not going. At the same time, I have major anxiety about the whole ordeal. I care about him, but is it too late for us? I definitely feel like him not including me in his life has caused me to dislike him and grow to even resent him. It's made me fall out of love with him. I understand that some of his friends are close to his ex, but they never gave me a chance, and he never made sure they got to know me. I do not know what to do. Other than this, we have other small issues, but this is the one I definitely keep struggling with. He says that if I do not attend the wedding, it's a deal-breaker. I do not know if I even want to be together at this point.

– Confused


Do you love him? Do you love being around him? Are you afraid of losing him? If not, maybe it is time to leave. You say you've fallen out of love with him. Please think about whether that's true.

If you do fear losing him and wish you could be more involved in his life, please take him up on his offer to spend more time with his friends and go to this wedding. He wants you there, which says plenty. Two years later, he's less concerned about who's in the same room. He's made it clear he wants you in it.

I'm not defending the way he kept you from parts of his life for more than a year of this relationship. He made a mistake by isolating you, as opposed to confronting the issues. But it's possible that he's finally figuring this out. It sounds like he had no idea how to handle this kind of conflict. I also wonder how much he loves these friends. Perhaps he kept you away from some of them because he didn't think they'd be in his life forever.

I can't be sure about his motivation, but I do know you have an opportunity to be by his side at an event with his community. You have the chance to see how it feels to be his date in front of all of the people who may or may not have doubted his commitment to you. It's a party, and it might just be fun. It might be tough to see C, but ... it sounds like it's inevitable.

Really, your boyfriend is right. If you can't do any of these things with him – if you're no longer open to involving yourself in the rest of his life – it is a deal-breaker.

– Meredith

Readers? Should the LW go?