A request: For the second season of the Love Letters podcast, we're looking to hear from people about what it's like to date in the world. We're taking short voice memos; they'll be anonymous.
Record a short voice memo (today!) on your phone and email it to firstname.lastname@example.org. You can talk about any favorite (or least favorite) dating experiences. You can talk about dating fatigue. You can explain how you decide how to swipe. You can tell us how you met someone. If it were me I might say, "I am in an intimate and ever-changing relationship with my television and three streaming services." Please include your age, but again, you do not have to include your name.
Remember to hold the phone like you normally would, as if on a phone call (don't do speaker).
My boyfriend of a little over a year just moved out without telling me. He moved out while I was at work one day, and when I came home, he was gone. When I called him, he calmly said he moved out because he thinks we will be happier living separately. We have been living together for about a year, and just moved to a new place in June. Everything was normal for the most part up to that point (although we have had fights/arguments here and there), and he was nice and sweet to me until the morning he moved out. Everything seemed so normal that morning – we had breakfast together, he took my dog out, and I told him "I'll see you later" as I left for work. He was playing it really well and acting like nothing was going on, when in fact he had planned to get out for who knows how long.
What puzzles me the most is that he did not want to break up with me. He said he still wants to be with me and visit each other, etc. I told him I felt so betrayed and that I can't be with him after what he has done to me. His reaction was "Oh, is this how much you care about our relationship?" – as if I'm the bad guy for not wanting to be with someone who stabbed me in the back. It's been a week since he moved out but he has not contacted me once, except to write back to an email I sent him (I asked him to return the key and some of my belongings he took with him). I am heartbroken but I know that I need to move on. I have been tempted to contact him, asking to meet up for more explanation, but I wouldn't know where to start. Should I just let it be or do you think it's a good idea to have a formal closure? I don't know what to do.
I'm not sure that the person who does this can give you any closure. It sounds like you should leave it alone.
This man seems to think that he made a good decision for both of you. He really believes that it was OK to have breakfast, walk your dog, and then leave without warning. If that's his version of communication, you're not going to get a lengthy and understandable story about why he left. I know that's frustrating. I wish there were more answers.
All I can tell you is that you did the right thing by ending it. His behavior was a deal-breaker, and you didn't bother to pretend otherwise. Feel good about the fact that you walked away when you needed to. Feel even better that you didn't allow yourself to become the bad guy.
I did notice the timing in this letter – that you dated him for a little over a year, but you were also living with him for ... a year. I have to wonder about that and the reasons for cohabitation. Perhaps he didn't think the decision to live together was a serious one.
Readers? Any place for closure here?