Last call for holiday updates. If you're a former letter writer, give us some closure and tell us what happened. Was the advice helpful? Did it all work out? Email your update to Meredith.Goldstein@gmail.com with "update" in the subject line. Include your original email address so I know it's you.
I dated a man for a year. We moved pretty fast, but after our first week together I found out I was a rebound (he'd just gone through a breakup with someone else). We liked each other and decided to stay in the relationship until one of us decided that it wasn't working. As the months passed, I found myself falling in love with him. He acted like a boyfriend, but he never said "I love you" to me.
Six months into the relationship, I found out that he was still in constant contact with his ex and exchanging sweet notes with her to keep her updated on his life. I wanted to walk away, but I didn't want to lose him. So I talked to him about it and he promised he wouldn't communicate with her that way. She then sent a text asking him to meet up, and I told him to go – so he could finally get answers to the questions I know he had about their breakup. I know it was risky on my part – that there was a chance I would lose him.
The day came, and he went to see his ex. He came back that same day and told me that they had closure. He was in tears while he was talking to me. The ex doesn't want him back. He promised that he just needed that answer. After that stressful week, he went back home to visit his family. When he returned, things felt different. He wasn't responding to as many messages. He was supposed to come over one night and didn't because he was tired. When we finally got together for dinner, he broke up with me. I was devastated.
The next day, I went to his place to beg for a second chance. He made it clear that nothing will change his decision. He said he wants to be on his own, and that he knows I really want a partner – and that he can't love me. I just want to be in a relationship with him, even if he cant love me. My friends tell me to move on, but is there a chance I can I win him back?
– Broke up
"Is there a chance I can I win him back?"
I'm sorry but no. He was very clear about his needs when he broke up with you. He doesn't want to be in a relationship anymore.
I know it hurts, but I promise the pain is temporary. Give yourself a chance to acclimate to being single. Spend some time with friends and think about other ways to stay distracted. I’m giving you some trite breakup advice here, but that's because it works. Sometimes you just have to wait out the bad feelings with good company.
Please know that as much as you say you want him even if he can't love you, that's just not true. You have been deeply invested in his love (or the lack thereof) for a long time. You brought it up in the first paragraph of your letter because it means so much to you. He was right to remind you that you do want a partner. I'm sorry it couldn't be him, but there are others.
For now, take deep breaths and figure out some immediate next steps. Think of the lessons you learned about rebound decisions and give yourself some space to exist on your own.
Readers? Advice for this breakup after a year?