I don’t like the pace of this relationship

I’ve been seeing someone I met on a dating app since early October. I really enjoy spending time with him. His 17-year-marriage ended in March and he's very up front about his situation and talks about his ex frequently. They have children together, so it's understandable that she is still a part of his life.

A few weeks ago, he inadvertently sent me a number of texts that were intended for his ex. They were harmless and non-suggestive, but I couldn't help thinking that maybe he was in some way trying to tell me to back off. I brought it up with him and asked him if perhaps he wasn't ready to date. He didn't really answer my question and just said that there was no chance that they were going to get back together. On top of that, he lied about his age (on the dating app), which I figured out and confronted him about, but now I find it somewhat difficult to trust him.

The relationship seems to be moving at a slow pace (we see each other about once a week and text every couple of days), which was fine with me until recently. I'm starting to feel very anxious about us and would like things to move at a faster rate. Earlier this year, I was in a relationship that ended abruptly and left me feeling very hurt, neglected, and alone. It took me most of this year to get over it, but residual feelings from that are still alive and well. I'm so afraid that things are going to end similarly and I'm finding it very difficult to just go with the flow.

I feel like I have a lot of issues with relationships and feelings that I have to sort out. It's becoming clear that I need to seek professional help to work through these feelings of self-doubt and insecurity. My question is, should I tell him how I'm feeling and that I am anxious about us? I don't want to scare him off but I also feel like I want to let him know about my insecurities about us.

- WantingMore


"... should I tell him how I'm feeling and that I am anxious about us?"

It depends. How do you think the conversation might help the relationship? What are you hoping he'll reveal? I think it's great to communicate with a partner, but the conversation might more productive if you've thought about what you need to know.

It might also help to tell him what you want right now. Would you like to see him more often? Meet more people in his life? Be specific and find out what's possible.

You say you're anxious about the pace of the relationship, but please remember that you're with someone who left his marriage in March. It hasn't even been a year, and he's been very clear about that. If you want someone who can move toward a big commitment, you might not be with the right partner. That has nothing to do with your last relationship, by the way. Nothing about this one is "abrupt" at all.

I think the therapy idea is great, because so much of this is about figuring out what makes you happy. He's the one who knows what he can deliver right now, but it's up to you to figure out whether it will be enough.

– Meredith

Readers? Thoughts on what the LW should ask? What about the lie about age?