I met someone five months ago, and although I wasn't looking for something serious, we hit it off. Things are great and we truly enjoy our time together. About a few weeks ago, I sensed that he wanted to tell me something really important, but just couldn't do it. Unfortunately, I found out two weeks ago that his ex girlfriend is pregnant. He did not tell me – I had to find out for myself. She is expected to have the baby in about a month.
He is now telling me that she did not tell him for a few months (apparently she was told that she is extremely high risk), and that when he found out, he tried to tell me but was unsuccessful at each attempt. Obviously I know that is a bunch of bull, and that he did not tell me because he was too chicken. This does not sit well with me in regard to trust. I feel that I was lied to and that he should have told me as soon as he found out. He doesn’t want this to end things between us, and wants to make it work.
I am extremely sad and conflicted because my heart wants to stay and give it a try because he is an amazing person, but my head is telling me that this obstacle is more than I can handle. I was never opposed to dating or being with someone who had children from a previous relationship/marriage, but this is entirely different in that this is all happening now. I know that if I am even thinking about making this work, it would take a great deal of communication, and I'd have to be able to ask him a lot of hard questions. I would just like to hear other people's thoughts on this so that I can better understand what I would be facing, whether I stay or leave.
This kind of complicated relationship would require a great deal of trust and communication. That's a problem – because you're not feeling the trust, and he has a bad track record with communication. This man chose to avoid unpleasant conversations to keep the peace in the relationship. That only made things more complicated for you.
It's possible he's learned from this, and that he now understands that it's better to talk about a possible conflict than ignore it. Are you getting that sense? Has he talked at all about what he's learned? Also, to what extent does he have a plan for this child? How will he be involved? How does he think his relationship with you can work? He might not have every answer, but it'd be nice to know that he's being thoughtful about it. You can ask some of those difficult questions right now.
For some people, all of this would be a deal-breaker. It might not be for you. The good news is that there is no deadline for an answer at the moment. You can continue to talk about this, spend time with him, and see where conversations and experiences take you. You can think about how it feels to be with him during the first weeks or months after the baby is born. It might become very clear that you need to go. Or maybe staying will no longer seem overwhelming or unreasonable.
You're considering a lot of information at once. You're allowed to process this and make decisions on your own schedule.
Readers? What should the LW consider here?