‘He doesn’t know that I know about his girlfriend’

Hi Meredith,

Eight months ago, I met the first guy I've had a real connection with since getting out of a four-year relationship. We really get along and have a strong connection – or so I think. He was moving out of the country in a few months, so we decided to keep things "casual" because of the bad timing with him leaving – or so I thought. A couple of months later, I found out that he has been in a long-term and long-distance relationship for years. I've always thought something was off with how secretive he was. I don't know why I haven't ended it; I know I should have the minute I found out.

He doesn't know that I know about his girlfriend. I am conflicted because when we are together, it really is like it is just us. We make plans – I've been visiting him there several times, and he visits me every time he comes back to the country. Do I confront him? What do I do when I got into this unknowingly as the other woman? And for some reason am still holding out hope that he might come to his senses and choose me? Do I still want him when I know he's a liar?

– Conflicted


How long can you play pretend? Because that's what you’re doing.

You have big questions about the state of your relationship, but you've been too afraid to ask them. You've opted to avoid uncomfortable discussions (and a possible breakup) by remaining breezy about everything. But ... your concerns haven't gone away – and they're beginning to haunt you.

You took the time to write this letter, which means you're ready to confront this man about what's happening. Really, the letter says it all. You want him for yourself, but you need to get some answers – and to consider the lies. Tell him what you know and ask your questions. Then think about what he's offering (if anything) and whether you can live with it.

The thing is, you don't know what arrangement he has with his girlfriend. It also doesn't sound like the two of you made any promises to each other about exclusivity. I'm not defending him, but I do think you should get the information you need from the right source. So ask. I know you don't want to mess up a potential relationship, but honesty can make things a lot better. At the very least, it can help you decide whether you have to walk away.

– Meredith

Readers? Time to confront this?