He couldn’t do the distance

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Hi Meredith,

My boyfriend broke up with me a month ago. This was after I moved to another place three months ago for a job.

I noticed that he was behaving differently – and distant – just before I was scheduled to move. I know his last girlfriend dumped him because of long-distance.

He tried to break up with me a few days before I was going to leave. This came as a shock to me. I thought everything was perfect. I cried, he cried, and then we decided to give the relationship a chance. He cried even more when it was time for me to go to the airport to leave.

I thought I'd be able to visit every month but it hasn't been possible. And then a few months ago, he was doing his own traveling, and I could see he was becoming distant. After he returned, we would talk almost daily but there was no attachment in the calls. I knew it felt like we were talking about the same thing on the phone every day. But I knew I loved him. I knew that the minute I saw him in person, the conversation would be better.

He first said he needed a break and we didn't talk for days. Then he broke up with me, claiming he was never 100 percent sure. So why cry so much when I left? It felt like we never had a fight and then all of a sudden all of my dreams came crashing down. We haven't talked since the breakup. I don't know what to do.

– Distant


It's time to work on building a new life for yourself in your new home. Make friends and find community. Understand that the breakup is real, and that it's time to grieve the loss and move on.

There are many ambiguous breakups that leave people with a zillion questions, but yours is not one of them. Your ex made is clear that he wasn't enthusiastic about having a long-distance relationship. He agreed to try (reluctantly), and then it didn't work for him at all. You were not able to visit him once a month, as promised. You admit that the phone calls weren't doing the trick.

Of course, that doesn't mean he doesn't care about you. It's pretty clear that if you lived in the same place, you'd still be psyched about each other. That's why he cried when it was time to say goodbye. It was difficult to watch you go.

But that sadness doesn't mean he's willing to be unhappy in a relationship. It doesn't mean he's capable of holding on when you're so far away. He's been clear about his limits. All you can do is accept them.

– Meredith

Readers? The tears?