Should I see my ex?

This letter seems like a good moment to mention: I'm looking to talk to people who have made big relationship decisions based on a lease. If the decision to move in (or out) has involved the timing of leases, email me at meredith.goldstein@globe.com.

Dear Meredith,

My boyfriend of two years and I broke up in January. Although I wish we could have worked things out, we mutually agreed it was for the best. After a few emotional breakdowns in December, I realized I wasn't my best self and that my ex was experiencing some emotional baggage he couldn't explain. We both needed to work on ourselves. I am still in that process.

We had been living together for almost a year, and now that I think of it, perhaps we could have been more thoughtful about jumping to that step. I had never lived on my own and although I paid my own bills, I was still dependent on my parents. That dependence rolled over to him. My self-esteem and self-worth were dependent on his actions and words. So when it all stopped suddenly in December, it was a big shock, and my small, "perfect" world with him began to crumble.

There are a couple factors that caused the breakup that I had not realized or had chosen to ignore. But the biggest one was that we weren't growing as a couple. We weren't having the conversations couples should be having after two years of being together and one year living under the same roof. I truly thought that because we never fought or argued, everything was great. Turns out there's a lot more to making a relationship work than I had imagined. We also didn't have enough communication. I think we both withheld things to avoid conflict and not hurt each other.

I asked for no contact for 60 days (until the end of March). By the end of February, I had stopped crying about him every day. Not that I don't miss him anymore, I just concluded that my love for him may never go away but I can live with that now. On the day I finally got all my things from the apartment, we agreed to meet up after the 60 days were over to catch up. I'm still trying to figure out if that's a good idea. I want to see him, but I'm also afraid those strong feelings will resurface and that I'll have to start all over again.

– Spring is coming


"... we agreed to meet up after the 60 days were over to catch up."

Do you need to catch up on anything right now? It doesn't sound like you do.

If you had a really good reason to see this ex – if you believed that an in-person meeting would give you clarity or help with self-discovery – I'd say go for it. But at the moment, you don't require any answers from him. You seem to understand what led to the breakup and what you have to do to feel better about yourself now that it's over.

Remember that you just stopped crying about him a month ago. You don't have to make good on promises you made when you were in the middle of moving out.

You can practice your communication skills by explaining your needs. As in, "I know I said we should see each other in April, but I'm afraid of how it will make me feel. I don't want a meet-up to undo the progress I've made. I hope you understand."

You don't have to keep to a schedule, at least not for him. So don't.

– Meredith

Readers? 60 days? Any reason to see the ex?