Now that we’ve matured, should my ex and I try again?

Two years ago I had my first boyfriend (I'm now in my early 20s). We were together for one year but I broke up with him because he was kind of possessive. I also had insecurity issues and was jealous all the time. The truth is that we were immature and fought a lot about things I now know aren't important. But at the time, he did not want to break up. We shared the same group of friends and they told me he had a hard time getting over the situation.

We go to the same college now, and sometimes I see him and I say hello. I'm sure we've both changed; people's mindsets change a lot from their late teens to early 20s. Three months ago I had another boyfriend and we were so happy together. I think my second relationship was a lot better than my first one because I knew what to prioritize, and I already understood that love means being with someone, not becoming someone's property. We broke up because he moved, but we're still friends.

The thing is that I find myself missing my first boyfriend. I've been thinking about the idea of trying it again now that we have changed. In fact, I can't stop thinking about it. Should I just move on and leave him in the past? Or ask if he feels the same?

– Try again?


Give yourself more time to adjust to being without a partner. You had a boyfriend you really liked only three months ago. It's too early to know whether your instinct to couple up with your ex is a legitimate desire or if it's really just about a fear of being alone. Use some of this energy to see other people in your life and to make some new acquaintances.

Also know that there are many steps between seeing your ex and signing on to be his significant other. You could start by asking to take a walk or grab coffee. You could try a longer conversation when you see him on campus. This all-or-nothing kind of question makes it sound like you expect easy answers without doing much work. If you want to get to know him again, that’s fine, but there's no reason to go into this expecting him to be an instant boyfriend.

Another thought: You can't jump to the conclusion that he's changed. You have no idea what he's become after this breakup.

You want bring what you know to a relationship – maybe any relationship – but there are also lessons in being on your own. Please don't skip them.

– Meredith

Readers? Should the LW pursue this desire to be with the ex again?