I’m exhausted from the swiping

New podcast episode out today. It's Ep. 9, called "Benchwarming." It's about whether "sign up for a team or class!" is actually good advice for single people looking for a partner. Spotify. iTunes.

Dear Meredith,

My boyfriend and I broke up in September. He moved back to to where he's from and I stayed in Boston. It was a tough one and I'm still trying to bounce back. We were living together, and we both still care for each other deeply and want each other to be happy. Now eight months into the breakup, I have tried almost every dating app there is, been out on numerous dates with numerous guys, and I've got nothing to show for it. I'm experiencing some serious "dating fatigue" – exhausted from the constant and superficial swiping, sick of trying to come up with witty one-liners, confused about which profile pics really capture who I am, and annoyed when guys ask me to hang out and then say they are actually too "busy" to meet up and have errands to run.

I know there are great guys out there, and everyone keeps telling me that it's just a matter of time, but I'm wondering if I'm trying too hard. I'm not having fun anymore because I'm so fixated on not being alone and trying so hard to find this elusive partner. So my question is: Do I take a hiatus from my aggressive dating strategy and just focus on myself? Or do I keep pushing and trying new ways to meet people in Boston?

– Trying too hard?


Sounds like it's time for a break. Yours can start right now. (Take a deep breath here. Doesn't that feel better?)

Dating isn't always fun, and sometimes it can feel like a job with no benefits, but it shouldn't make you miserable. It also shouldn't feel like it's taken over your life. If the swiping feels endless, put an end to it.

If and when you do return to the apps, look into new ones that might be better for you. Some limit the number of profiles you see each day. It might help to have a predetermined end to to your search.

For now, though, disconnect and to do some things you know will be fun. Spend time with people who show up for you, even when they have errands. Set other goals – maybe something to do with a hobby? – so you can achieve them and feel good about yourself.

Also know that people who say "it’s just a matter of time" aren't necessarily wrong, but I don’t think they realize how much time finding love (or even like) can really take. Often, it takes a lot longer than eight months.

– Meredith

Readers? Advice?