I am 28 years old have been with my 26-year-old girlfriend for about a year and a half. I said "I love you" after two months and she said that she wanted to marry me after three months. We constantly talked about spending forever together. I even started taking classes to convert to Catholicism (her religion) and became Catholic this Easter. She's everything I ever wanted in a partner: kind, brilliant, beautiful, and just the best person to be around. I've travelled with her to see her family, and every Sunday she eats dinner with my family.
Fast forward to the start of the year and we began to be less intimate. She heard from some graduate schools she'd applied to and was concerned she wouldn't make it into her top choice. I began to feel uneasy because it didn't seem like she was including me in her plans. Then I started incessantly questioning her about her past, which took a toll on our relationship. She suggested therapy, which I am currently in, but was mad because my insecure thoughts didn't go away after three sessions.
I basically have trust issues. At the beginning of April she said she did not see us long-term and that she needed space because she doesn’t know her feelings. Says she loves me but she is not in love with me anymore. So I've been texting less and I am no longer sleeping at her place on the weekdays. She said I was being too needy and that she wants me to take charge more. On top of all this, she did this a week before my birthday and before she stood as my sponsor to convert to Catholicism at Easter so it made for a hard birthday and ceremony.
She still says she loves me and we see each other every day, but she is less affectionate and I feel she is on autopilot. She says she has not given up on me yet but she's making no promises (she still is wearing my mom's old engagement ring, which I gave her as a promise ring). I have been breaking down in front of her because I feel like she is stringing me along a bit and I want answers. It's hard to be with someone who is unsure of you. She is supposed to come with me and my family to my brother's wedding but I have a fear she might just dump me after the wedding. I just want her to be able to promise me long long-term. Not necessarily marriage anymore, but I want to move where she is going to grad school. I just don't understand how someone so ingrained in your life can just not feel it when the going got tough (my irrational thoughts about her past). We promised before that we could work through anything together, and now I'm haunted by those words. She's not open to talking about the relationship because she wants to concentrate on the here and now. I'm planning on asking about our status after the wedding because this is torture. I'm just so confused and need some advice about this space and mixed messages.
She says she needs space, but you need it too. In fact, it sounds like it's time to break up with her for good.
This ambiguous "are we together?" phase is making you so unhappy. You're trying to figure out how to contact her less ... but take control more? It's confusing, and everything you're doing is for her. It's just not working.
She says she hasn't lost faith in you, but she's made it clear that she's no longer in love. That's the most important piece of information right now. She is focusing on herself, and no longer believes the two of you will be partners down the road. I know it's easier said than done, but you should assume that, too. Assess the present and make decisions accordingly. She has not invited you to move with her. She has not changed her mind.
Continue to talk to your therapist about how to manage the loss of the relationship and how you got here. Get that ring back and think about whether she really belongs at that family wedding. Accept that she loves and cares about you, but that there are other people to lean on for friendship. Let her go – because that's the best way to care for yourself.
Readers? Is she waiting to see where she'll wind up for grad school? Why this ambiguity?