Should I move to close the distance?

I'm looking for updates. Former letter writers, send an update to meredith.goldstein@globe.com. Tell us how it all worked out. Put "update" in the subject line.

Hi Meredith,

My boyfriend and I have been together for about three and a half years. We started dating our senior year of college and have been long-distance ever since we graduated because I relocated to a different city for a job. We see each other about once a month, and he is seriously the best. I love him and his family, and everyone in my life thinks he's great too. I can definitely see him being the guy I marry, and I would be really happy with that outcome.

My problem is that the long-distance relationship is getting to me. It's been over two years now and I am exhausted from the plane rides, the FaceTime calls, and the fact that we only ever see each other one weekend a month. We've always talked about closing the gap and want it to happen, but it's just not there yet. He's tried to get transferred to some offices up here, but nothing has panned out for him. I feel like the logical next step would be for me to move to where he is, but I'm worried I won't be able to find a job in the field that I'm working in right now, which is why I moved away to begin with. Additionally, I live close to my family right now and have a lot of friends. I do love the city that he lives in, so I wouldn't be completely unhappy there, but I'm worried about what I'm giving up. I just don't know if it's a smart decision for me to give up everything and move for a boy. I feel like I'd be sacrificing so much just for this relationship, but at the same time I want this relationship to continue. I'm worried that if we stay long-distance for too much longer, I'm going to get tired and frustrated of it all and lose this perfect guy. Do I move for love or stay put and focus on what I have right now?

- Lonely


Perhaps you can start by asking people you know to help you find leads in his city. You don't have to move without any plan in place. It's possible you can line up some ideas for work before you get there.

You can also think a little about friendship. When you're in his city, do you see anyone else? Maybe you can take some vacation days, extend the trip, and spend time with others in that city – or even wander around on your own. Remind yourself that you can build a larger community after you move.

Relocating would be a risk, of course. You might pick up and leave and then wish you hadn't. There's no way to know until you take the leap. But it sounds like you want to. To be honest, it sounds like you still want him to move to you, and maybe that’s something you can talk to him about again (I assume there's a reason you can move without work lined up but he can't?) ... but the more important point is that you're ready to see if this relationship could be your future.

I wouldn't see this as "giving up everything and moving for a boy." That's not fair. The two of you are working together to take the next step in your relationship. There's no shame in that.

– Meredith

Readers? Is it time to move?