‘I can’t say I’m over her’

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Hi Meredith,

I doubt that my situation is uncommon. It involves being friends with someone I've dated. We didn't date for very long but have continued to be friends. We actually do a fair number of things together – drinks, dinner, get our kids together – but I can't say I'm over her. She knows it; I don't hide the fact that I would still date her. We've both admitted we're still attracted to each other but have not acted on it. I promised her, and myself, that I would not let my feelings interfere with our friendship, as I think that part is very important to both of us.

She has told me that she is not in a place where she is able to date, and that it's not about me or anything I did. I believe her (mostly) but also know that she is actually dating a bit. Nothing serious as far as I know, but still out there nonetheless. It seems like she's trying to protect my feelings in a way, which I appreciate to a point. I'm not sure I want to hear the final answer that she's moved on.

That's one thing we don't talk about with each other - our current dating lives. I have gone on a couple dates myself, but just don't feel interested in pursuing anyone else. I'm not sure if I should go to the extreme of cutting her off or continue the way we are and just work through my feelings (I'm working on myself in therapy; this certainly is part of those conversations).

– Want to Move On Yet I Don’t


"I promised her, and myself, that I would not let my feelings interfere with our friendship ..."

How can you make that promise? Your romantic feelings do make it difficult to be this woman's friend. You have to accept that – and be honest about it.

Because here's the thing – this woman is in a place to date. She's looking for others. That means you have to let her go.

I believe you enjoy her company and get a lot of good things out of your time together, but she's not giving you what you really want, and her presence is preventing you from falling for other people. How can a first date compete with an outing with a woman who already knows you and your kids? How can something brand new live up to all of this potential?

It sounds like it's time to get that final answer – to hear that it's over, and to tell her you have to move on without her. Explain that she's not protecting your feelings by keeping you out of the loop. It's been lovely to pretend you're on a path to dating her again (that's the hope, right?), but that doesn't seem to be the reality. If she meets someone she really likes, this is only going to get more complicated.

I know it's the worst. She's good company; I get that. But ... consider this the real breakup.

– Meredith

Readers? Time for the truth? Or could this grow into something more again?