My ex and I had been together for four years before we began to plan a baby together. We lived about four hours apart at the time because he is in the military and I was finishing school. By the end of 2018, I became pregnant, and the plan was for me to finish school and move in with him so that we could finally begin to live together as a family and raise our child together. I graduated and moved there.
Right before I gave birth, I found out he was cheating on me, both with the mother of his first child and with a random girl he had met a few years prior to knowing me. I broke off our engagement and moved back home when my baby was about 1 month old. We are great co-parents, for the most part. He comes and sees the baby regularly and we talk often. We are the best of friends when it has to do with our child – again, for the most part. But he has been wanting to get back together, and to be honest, I have been flirting with the idea.
He says he still loves me and was clearly in the wrong by cheating on me. I'm clearly not over him, and I want my family to work out. But I'm really unsure. I don't trust him. I want my baby to grow up with his father in the house – something I never had. Should I take him back and try to work on our family once again?
– Second chance?
He was actively seeing other people while planning an entire life with you. He wasn't just cheating while you were dating; he was finding other partners while you were planning a marriage and having a kid. That's the kind of betrayal that would make it very difficult to trust his promises.
It sounds like a life with him would involve a lot of doubt, and I'm not sure you have time for so much second-guessing. One of the reasons you've been able to enjoy him again is that you no longer have a front-row seat to his life. If he interacts with the mother of his first child, he's doing it far from you. These boundaries have been a good thing. If you're tempted to try for more, start with a dinner here and there. But know that the decision to share a home again would be a big one. It's not something to rush into.
As far as having a father in the house goes, yes, that would be wonderful – in theory – but it's not great for any kid to live in a place where they have to absorb a ton of stress. Right now, you and your ex have a routine. You get along. The child is a priority and can grow up knowing that Mom is there and Dad loves to visit. But if everyone is in the same house, the relationship might not be as clean. And if it fails, that would be another adjustment.
Take your time with this decision. No sudden moves.
Readers? Try again? No?